Busy

(Yes, this is a link-up-free post!)

This is becoming a theme with me. I don't blog for months, then come back and write a post about how I've been so busy and how I have all of these ideas for blogging, but I don't commit them to "screen."

I'm not that busy. At least I don't think so, when I look back at how busy I've been in the past and all I've managed to accomplish during those times.

My life right now:

• part-time job, with a short drive
• one graduate-level class
• applying to master's program
• house stuff
• the gym and other appointments 
• being mentally and physically present for my husband

My life in the past:

• full-time job (and then some) with a long commute
• occasionally took some graduate-level classes
• house stuff
• other appointments

What's different? Besides the "applying to master's program," that is.

Oh yeah, taking care of myself (gym) and being mentally and physically present for my husband. Not that Chris is disabled or in need of serious help, but when you're married you're supposed to be there for your spouse. Support them, help them with things that they need, talk to them, you know, those sorts of things. In the past, I was so "busy" with everything else, I didn't take care of myself and I wasn't "there" for my husband. Yes, I was home at night and on the weekends, but I was so absorbed with...nothing.

My old job made me so distracted and irritable that I wasn't a good wife. I wasn't a good person. I put things off--both with relationships and tasks--that when they'd pile up, I'd flip out and get even more irritable.

So while I'm not as busy in a traditional sense, my life has become a different kind of busy. That is okay. It works for us, and it's drastically improved conditions in our home. Do we miss the second income (and it was a lot more than Chris has ever made)? Yes, especially as Chris' current job will be ending soon. Do we miss the old Jen? NO. No one does. Even people who don't know me that well have commented on how I've changed.

I do plan on writing more on this topic. One potential post that's rolling around in my head is: how losing my job saved my marriage. That post might come in a few days, or a few months. Or maybe never, since I sort of touched upon it here. Right now, I've got to go prep my husband's clothes for his interview this afternoon. I don't do this because I "have" to, or because it's my "duty," I do it because I want to help him, and I'm off from work today. If I was at work, he'd be on his own, and that's OK. Besides, while I've struggled through my summer class, Chris has pulled me away from house chores and told me to go finish my reading. He's made me dinner and reminded me to eat while I've been in the midst of writing short papers, stressing about doing it wrong. No one told him he needed to pitch in with chores or feed me. He did it because he wanted to. He knows that me furthering my education is an investment in our FAMILY's future. Just like me helping him prep for an interview is also an investment in our FAMILY's future.

Now, to my readers: I hope everyone is having a great summer! With Google Reader's demise, it's been hard to keep up with your blogs, but I do think about you all and hope all is well. :)

Clarification from yesterday

After re-reading yesterday's post, I realized that I might have left out a few things. So just for my own edification (and maybe yours too!), here are some other details.

Yes, I was written up in April, along with my coworker. We were both "charged" with insubordination and lack of professionalism, with the guarantee that if we didn't improve, we would be terminated. Isn't it a little odd to write up your entire staff on the same day, for the same things? Shouldn't that reflect badly on the manager, perhaps as a sign he couldn't keep his staff in check? Apparently not. During the write up meeting, I actually said as much, and also gave my boss a piece of my mind about his lack of consideration and respect, treating us as if we were stupid, not listening or believing us, among other things...

It should also be noted that not once in my entire work history had I been written up. Not even in my high school jobs! I'm not perfect, I've had things about my personality or work style brought to my attention (ahem, lateness, ahem), but nothing on this level. My coworker had a spotless employment record as well.

I will freely admit that with this guy, we were not angels. As those of you who know me in real life or via other channels know, he was really difficult to work with, and we were snippy with him. We tried to work around his quirks, but we were often met with resistance or laughter, directed at us and our ideas. Nice, huh? We stopped giving him information, waiting for him to ask for it, since if we didn't do it in his rigid method, it made matters worse. It's funny, now that I'm removed from the situation, it's hard to recall all the things that occurred.

Between April and November, I made a conscious effort to be nicer to him (or at least more professional), not show any attitude, and so on. It seemed as if when Chris received his diagnosis, this guy started dialing up the pressure on me. Did it really? I don't know. I don't want to be paranoid, but maybe he saw it as a great opportunity to begin getting rid of me. He seemed to be more nit-picky about things not looking perfect, wanting me to respond to issues on the weekends (including things that I could not resolve, like fixing errors on the web site, when he knew that IT needed to be involved), and having me do projects that were not fully explained, then changing his mind during them, leaving me with pieces of unfinished work.

During the fall of 2012, I was not fully present at work and I wasn't doing everything that I should have been. I think it was visible that my head was elsewhere. I believe employers have the responsibility to make their employees better workers. This was a sentiment shared with me by my aunt, who works in employee training for a national cable provider. Now, if I was a boss, I would have met with my employee, asking if she was really OK, did she need to take some time off, that sort of thing. I believe that when employees are supported, they will do their best work. Not in the hand-holding way, but just "we know you're going through a tough time, and we know you'll get back to your former productivity levels, but please take a month (or whatever needed) to get yourself back to full speed." It is expensive and time consuming to get rid of, and then replace, an employee. To me, it makes more sense to lose an employee for a month or three, versus documenting a case for their dismissal, then working on hiring and training a new employee. But that's me. The idealist.

Why I am scared to return to work

In my last post, I alluded to this fact. I am, indeed, scared to return to work. There are a few reasons...

I think I need to start out with why exactly I am no longer working. I also alluded to that in a recent post, but never came out and said exactly what happened. I wasn't laid off. Yup, the F word. (I'm so hesitant to type that word here, or even discuss the situation, but...it's who I am and I can't really hide from it.)

Did I know it was coming?
No. I had been written up in April 2012, but so had my coworker. There were only two of us in the department under this boss, and there was tension from my boss's first day of work in February 2011. Yet, I'd been promoted in January 2012. From the write-up meeting through the final meeting, I thought things were fine. I was completely blindsided.

Why did this happen?
According to the letter I received in the "final meeting," I was being dismissed for insubordination, lack of professionalism, and my recent work performance had suffered.

How much of that was true?
I'm not sure. While I know my recent work performance was suffering, I also know that I was making this clear to my boss; I wasn't hiding anything from him. I had been behind on some things, but I had planned on using the rest of 2012 to make up all assignments and any time that I needed to make up. In fact, I arrived at work around 7 AM on my very last day. The irony. Too little, too late, I guess.

They (boss and company owners) knew about Chris' illness; I made them aware of what was going on when we got the diagnosis. They said I had their support, to do what I needed to do. Chris' illness did affect my work performance. I was worried about him. His mental health was affected: he was panicked and worried about his health, his future, the lack of information the doctor was giving him, and so forth. He was calling me all of the time at work because he was scared; I had to leave early a few times. In addition, the worry was taking its toll on me; I have battled depression in the past, and the black dog was coming back to hang out with me. I had trouble getting to work on time.

[I know now that I should have been offered intermittent FMLA or even complete FMLA. To take some time off from work to care for Chris and to get my head together. That was never offered to me.]

Regarding the other claims in their letter, I believe that what transpired over Thanksgiving weekend was what really nailed the coffin. My boss called me and texted me repeatedly on Black Friday--3 times each in a 30 minute period. I was not on call that weekend, nor have I ever been on call in my tenure with the company. There was an incident a week or two prior to Thanksgiving where there was an error on the company web site that he wanted me to handle. I guess he didn't like my response to any of these issues. I guess I was too nonchalant or didn't take enough action. With the Black Friday episode, I did compose an email that I believed to have been professional, yet it did go to several people, so that might have been where I went wrong. I was trying to stick up for myself and not get taken advantage of.

In the final meeting, when I asked exactly what happened, my boss actually asked the owner of the company if he had to answer me. I was told by the owner that there had been "several issues, and mistakes, and they needed someone who could take ownership of these things." Additionally, my boss said that he needed someone he could depend on, who he didn't need to tell things to. That's fine, but it had never been addressed with me, and I said that it never had been discussed with me, not in any meetings I had with my boss regarding the holiday campaigns, any one on one's we regularly had, or even in my promotion meeting. How was I to know what needed to be done when I wasn't being told so? I also said (very calmly) that it was absurd to expect employees to know what to do.

Maybe I was set up? Maybe they wanted to get rid of me for awhile? Who knows. Several people think he had an agenda from day one and part of that might have been to get rid of me. This guy was not well liked by many people at the company, and yet, I'm the one who is without a job. Loyalty means nothing, and that upsets for someone who tends to be an idealist.

Now, as to why I'm afraid to return to work...

1. I'm afraid to juggle work and home again. Chris is doing a bit better, yes, but there might be other doctor's appointments that he'd like me to attend. It's hard to start a new job and get time off. And let's face it, home runs a bit smoother now that someone is home, taking care of things. Flexibility is nice.

2. I wouldn't have seniority, including more vacation time. I'd be starting over again as the "new girl," having to prove myself. This would have been an issue even if I'd left a job on my own terms, especially if I was going right into a new position.

3. I'll be 33 in March, and I would like to be on our way to starting a family sometime in 2013. You need to be working at a job for 12 months before you can qualify for FMLA, if the employer has 50 employees or more. Yes, I could theoretically start a job, work there for a few months, then get pregnant, and be in the clear for FMLA. This brings up a few other concerns, that I never had to think about until now:

• What if I need to go on leave before the 12 months have elapsed? For any reason, really, not just pregnancy.
• I wouldn't be just proving myself as the new girl, I'd also be proving myself as the PREGNANT new girl. It's hard enough to learn how a new place operates, and get up to speed. Now, imagine that with pregnant brain and being tired? I've heard stories from friends about how hard it is to work the easiest of jobs. I don't want to be discriminated against.

4. Can I even land another job? Who would want to hire me? What am I good at? Would I just lose my job again? What if I find myself in another bad situation that isn't family-friendly or flexible? I think these are questions and fears that a lot of people have, and I know most of them are silly, but I still have them. 

Thoughts on what to do next...

Some people have said to me that if Chris and I can live on just his salary, then maybe we should see how things go for a bit. I am collecting unemployment, and we're missing about $775 from my old salary. We're also missing the money I was socking away for retirement, which was deducted pre-tax and NOT matched, but that's money we never saw.

If I stopped getting unemployment and didn't work at all, we'd be out about 40% of our former income, so whatever I end up doing, I will need to work at some sort of job. I've seen some interesting part time jobs, but when I did the math, I am making more via unemployment, which is sad. I don't know the laws for my state or how they view part time work, but I think that I would lose some (not all) of the unemployment benefits. Part of me feels entitled to this money, that I should allow it to supplement our living, and part of me feels guilty, that I'm just mooching and being lazy, and that I should just go back to work. I am doing some freelancing work, but I don't know if the people hiring me are going to claim my work as a business expense, or if I need to fill out W9 forms. I don't want anything to come back to haunt me since our social security numbers track everything; I need to talk with our accountant. I can't just give up the unemployment money and focus on my business--I need an income to support me while I'm trying to get clients!

Chris is concerned with being the sole earner and has many of the same fears that I did when he was out of work, yet he likes how things are going much smoother at home. It's a conundrum. He also wanted someone to be at home with our kids, and that usually is the mother. A few months ago, I had done some math about our salaries, day care, and family health insurance. Even though I made more than he did, in these scenarios, it was advantageous for me to stay home. Why? If he stayed home, a family health insurance plan through my then-company would have been horribly expensive. If I stayed home, a family health insurance plan through Chris' employer would haven't been much more than it is now. Half of my income would have gone to day care. For what, me to be stressed out more than I already am--about work, my house, my family, myself, money? Ugh.

My feminist side says it's not good for anyone to depend on another person, that we need to be independent. But then I laugh, because Chris depends on me, as much as I depend on him right now! I make sure his clothes are clean, that we have food to eat, and all of those nice things. He can focus on work, getting himself healthier, and his usual house chores/duties. There aren't any fights over who's cooking tonight, and who didn't pull out the meat from the freezer. It's more clear cut. And even when I was working, we lived as though we "depended on" both incomes. Everything went into one pot, from which we paid bills, saved, and lived. It wasn't my money and his money, and it still is. In our house, any sort of independence is really an illusion. We're a team, a unit. What affects my husband affects me and vice versa. Yet, this "dependence" is making me feel like I need to stay home, at least in the near future.

Am I a failure?

It's been over a month since I last blogged. Ironic, when I'd said before that I'd have more time to blog.

It's not like I have a job that keeps me away from home or blocks/tracks my internet usage. I don't have a job at all.

I've applied for ONE job. Just one. It wasn't even a full time position. It was at the university I worked at when I first got out of college, at their publishing house. I haven't heard back yet. I've seen other jobs that might be OK, but they aren't what I want to do. That's right, I don't really know what I want to do. I'm afraid to work again, at full time job, for a lot of reasons.

The house is not picked up, nor is it spotless. There are still piles of laundry to be put away, dishes to be done, floors to mop. I have lists of projects and things to do that are going un-done. I never got on any schedule.

We didn't decorate our Christmas tree. I set it up, and put the lights on, but we never got around to the ornaments. Chris was sick in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and on Christmas Day. It wasn't the same this year. We didn't even attend Divine Liturgy or Mass at Christmas, since Chris was sick and I didn't want to go to church by myself.

I worked at my company for over six years, and became quite friendly with almost everyone. Yet so many people never reached out to say they were sorry to hear about what happened. It's like I never existed. I don't know if they are scared to talk to me, or feel awkward about bringing the subject up, but it's lonely. As much as I might have been unhappy with my position, I enjoyed almost all of the people I saw every day. I guess we weren't as good of friends as I had thought.

Many people suggested that I try to do what I was doing at my job, on my own, as a little business. I've had some interest (and made some money) but then it feels like they might want more from me than I'm capable of, or we aren't connecting...or just something isn't right. I don't know if I'm lacking confidence, or I'm scared of success (and failure), or if it's not a good fit. I'd love to work from my house, doing what I love, on my OWN terms, but then I think "do I have enough years behind me to look credible enough?"

I've been out of work for 40 days. (I just counted, I didn't realize this before I started this post.) The irony. Noah's flood was 40 days. Lent is 40 days. Yet, I don't think any miracles will await me tomorrow.

I guess I could turn things around and ask myself what I have done over the past 40 days.

I have:

• hung up pictures and other objects that have been waiting for a long time
• finally visited both libraries in my town (only took 3 years of living here!)
• listened to 3 audiobooks (and almost done with number 4)
• filed for unemployment, dealt with being on hold with them many times, got through a hearing, and am now collecting
• reached out to former bosses and other colleagues to let them know about what happened
• traveled with my mom to my aunt's house on Cape Cod for a long weekend with "just the girls" (two other aunts joined us, and my three girl cousins were supposed to, but they were busy with school and part time jobs)
• updated my resume, just in case
• continued to keep expenses low by not wasting food or buying more than we need, keeping our wood stove going so that we don't burn oil (we can get free firewood, oil not so much), planning out my errands to coincide with gym appointments, among other things...I type this as I have a stack of bills that need to be paid, but that's life, working or not
• gone to the gym three times a week...and am trying to start running
• lost weight and inches
• considered going to see a NaPro doctor regarding my obvious fertility issues (not that we've tried to conceive, far from it) but things are supposed to happen...and they haven't, so I'm pretty sure something is wrong
• paid more attention to my cats than I have in a long time
• contacted potential clients for my business, and as I mentioned before, I have actually been paid for some of my efforts...not much, but it's something
• cleaned out and reorganized two closets
• started to reorganize our kitchen cabinets, including purging the extra knives, bowls, etc, in order to reduce clutter and streamline things
• cooked healthier food, and experimented with healthier versions of our favorite things
• accompanied Chris to doctor's appointments
• spent more time with my mom than I have in awhile
• slept better than I have in a LONG TIME and am not stressed nor distracted

Yet, why do I focus on what hasn't been accomplished? Why do most of us tend to do this?  Are we truly failures if we accomplish something, even if it wasn't on our original "to do list?"

iPad, you're cramping my style...

It's been almost a year since I won my iPad at a work-related conference. The past year has been a lot of fun; when I first got it, people asked me lots of questions about it, and it certainly is handy, and the apps have been helpful. All those good things that one would hope for in a gadget.

You're probably wondering, OK then, how does it cramp your style? 

I can't blog with the iPad. Sadness. First world problems. I know, big cry baby...

Wait, a lot of people blog with their iPads...even their iPHONES. Yes, technically, one can blog from an iPad. However, I cannot. I do not like the keyboard for "long-distance typing" aka, typing many paragraphs. Long things, like blog posts. Emails. Even my commenting on others' blogs has been impacted. If I had a laptop, it would be easier, since there would be a more "real-life" keyboard.

But don't you guys have a desktop? Yeah, we do...but that's in the other room, and at night, when Chris is in the TV room, he'd feel like I was avoiding him. I know this is true because before we got the iPad, he felt that way. There was a temporary reprieve when I was given the use of a work laptop that I never (ha!) often used for personal endeavors.

What about blogging at work? Are you crazy!? No way in hell. I wouldn't want anyone to find out. Well, I have done it a few times, and have used the "blog via email" feature, but work has been a little bit busier and I feel like I can't get a good post written when I'm doing it on the fly. Which is part of the reason why I haven't been writing as much lately.

You haven't been commenting either. I KNOW. This bothers me. A lot. Especially blogs like Jessica's--she always has such good posts and I know I have lots of things to say in reply to them. Just. can't. get. it. out. It's frustrating! I really felt like I was developing a rapport in the blogging world, maybe a very tiny one, but one regardless. I'll get back there, I know it! I've just gotta FIND THE TIME TO DO ALL THE THINGS!!! Including not ignoring my husband.

Speaking of the blogging world, please welcome my friend Anne and her blog, Whatever Works! I met Anne in college and even though she lives on the opposite side of the country and has two kids, we still have managed to keep in touch, sharing our struggles, our joys, and our faith.

Another hiatus

You get busy at work and at home, then you take a few days off, and the next thing you know, you haven't posted in almost two weeks! I haven't been commenting on anyone's blog either, but I've been reading. It's difficult to keep a schedule, like I was trying to do before. I don't want to blog at work, and when I'm home, I've had other things to do or just haven't felt like spending time in front of the computer.

It's not you, it's me! :-)

I did start a new blog, but I don't want to share it just yet. So far, I'm just keeping track of my health journey...one step at a time.

ETA: Whoa, I just looked at the main page and I have ELEVEN followers! I'm shocked and surprised! Last I knew, I had 7, then someone left, and there was a new follower to take her place, but eleven?? WOW. I'm amazed, and very thankful. Hopefully this will be incentive to keep me writing, so people will stick around? 

Small victories

This week, I got to work early every day and was able to work (to the minute) the exact number of hours that we're "supposed" to work. I had a problem with working up to 42.5 hours every week, and while I wasn't given a talking-to, I wanted to get back on track.

I also tracked my WW points and stayed on target all week. I'm down a little over a pound since my last weigh in about 2 weeks ago, and since I wasn't on target after my last weigh in, I think I'm doing well. I walked for 25 minutes in the afternoons on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday--even in the cold and wind that we had!

I felt SO much better all around, but especially after coming in from my walks. They helped break up my work day this week and were certainly a wake me up. Speaking of waking up, I haven't been drinking any coffee. I did have some black tea mid-morning one day, and half of a can of Diet Coke one morning, but I did pretty well without it. I did have some on Friday and didn't walk that day, but I wasn't feeling great.

Goals for next week: keep tracking my food and get out at least 4 days for a walk.

Babies babies everywhere!

But not a one at this house...not yet.

I've heard of the phenomenon: you start thinking more and more about starting a family, and suddenly EVERYONE is pregnant! Or at least it feels that way. Of the blogs I follow, three ladies are pregnant. No, FOUR! And I don't follow that many. At work, we have one girl (she's my age, can I still call her girl?) who is on maternity leave and we've got two more moms to be in early 2012, as well as a guy whose wife is due any day now. On a message board I frequent, we have two little boys and one little girl born in 2011 and a few of the girls are thinking about TTC very soon.

And church, I guess we can say we are having a baby boom? TWO ladies are expecting--1 with number 7, the other with number 4. Another woman had her second a few months ago. This is unheard of, given we are a very small parish with not many young people, even if two of these ladies are part time parishioners since they come from a distance.

I can't say I have the fever, but I am thinking about it more. If you can't tell, this is the hardest thing for me, and C too, to just "let go and let God." I hate that, because with every other issue we've dealt with, it's been so easy (or, at least easIER) to give it over. Why is this so difficult? Is it because it's the most serious? Yes, marriage is serious and we believe it's forever, BUT one could get out of it if one really wanted to. Same with a job. I can quit or I can be laid off or get fired. I have no control over what my boss or the owners do to me. I can sell my house, the cars, anything, if I didn't want it any more.

Kids are yours until you die. (OK fine, you could give them up for adoption, but I'm not going there.) They cost money, true, but I think we will be able to manage if the health insurance doesn't kill us first, ha. Parenting isn't just about the material goods or taking a sick child to the doctor. They are important, but so are things like being a good example, being selfless, not being bogged down with other issues that distract you...being present in your childs' lives in a healthy way is vital to raising productive adults. To me, being a good parent is harder than making sure the material needs are met. It's scary to know that you are responsible for molding that little mind and soul. What if I'm a bad parent? What if I can't do it? What if my own issues pop up and are serious enough that they get in the way? Am I mature enough to handle this enormous task? These are serious questions, and they've scared me off from taking the next step, but they aren't the only issues at hand.

I feel horribly guilty for some of the things that I've written above, because, as Catholics, we must be open to life at all times. Who is really open at all times? We don't truly know, and honestly, I believe that is between a couple and God. Me writing what I have here could come
off as controversial, especially since I've just said that this has been the hardest thing for us. Me worrying about being a good parent is fairly rational fear, since last I checked, no one knows how to do it, and kids don't come with manuals; you just learn as you go. If I worry about money, is that a good enough reason not to start a family? If C doesn't have a secure job (or ANY job, as we have experienced twice now), is it prudent to wait? Some might tell me that we are wrong, and we just need to let it all go. Some might say that we are right, that only God knows what is going on in our hearts and minds. If my doctor tells me it is not a good idea to get pregnant just yet because of my health and that of a fetus developing, am I smart to listen to her, or silly for taking medical advice, because God knows MORE than my doctor? But didn't God give my doctor intelligence and knowledge? I know that people say things like babies come with blessings or a loaf of bread or something like that, but for me, it's hard to trust in something when an innocent life is involved. Like there not being enough money or one of us losing our jobs. Maybe that's only because we have experienced those things?

Is that funny? Weird? Crazy? That I care about my not even conceived children enough to want them to be born under the best circumstances possible? It's a little bit of all three, since nothing is perfect and any sort of control is really an illusion. It doesn't help that I've
battled anxiety for over 10 years, mostly regarding things out of my control. I guess I'm my own worst enemy.

So, what's it going to take? First things first. Me. How can I be really open to life if I'm not healthy enough to ensure a healthy (or even a live) baby? I don't have any diagnoses of what WILL happen or what WON'T happen, but it's not wise right now to even just see what happens. Let me spell it out: I need to lose about 100 pounds. Yes, that's a lot, and thankfully I have a large build so I carry it well, but that's not enough when the insides are affected more than we can see.

When I get closer to goal weight, hopefully signs of fertility will return, because that will make things much easier when discussing any issues with doctors. Right now, I got nuthin'. And, I can stop taking the many meds I'm currently on: not only because they aren't fetus-friendly, but if I'm thinner, certain health conditions should resolve themselves. Like high blood pressure.

I'm giving myself about a year to get my weight in check, then I'll have about 3-6 months of reducing or changing meds, getting an idea of what my cycles are like, a time where I'm not avoiding, but not actively seeking a conception either. Just letting my body do its thing. I'll be 33 in less than 18 months and time is ticking.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who got married right out of college and pregnant on my honeymoon, because now I'd have a 7 or 8 year old and we wouldn't have gotten used to two incomes and be worried about if time is running out and all that. I'm sure there are women like I've just described who would have liked to been single for a few years, then get married, then have kids bit later, to get to work out of the house and do something different. The grass IS always greener. You know what's funny? It's only within the past few years have I really figured out who I am and what I want and that's not easy the older you are and the more responsibilities you have. Maybe if I didn't have all the life experiences I've had (and they are probably tame!), I wouldn't have figured myself out. That doesn't help with the biological clock though....

I'll get there though. I always do, even if it's not on everyone else's timeline.

Favorite things

Hey, Oprah has/had(?) a list, why not me!?

1. Cardigans. I love them, year-round. Perfect with almost everything, and essential when you work in an office with strange climate control.

2. Flats. I cannot do heels for long stretches. Plus, I'm rather tall (5'7") and C is only an inch or two taller than me.

3. Broth. I know, it's got loads of sodium in it, but I can't drink coffee all day (milk + sugar = unnecessary calories) and tea gets old after awhile. But a bouillon packet in hot water is a warm, delicious treat.

4. Lined post-its. Genius invention.

5. Crusty bread. (Note to self: pick up a loaf on the way home to go with dinner tonight.)

6. Order and schedules. Now that C is back to work, things are slowly back on track in that department. I owe a post about what's going on these days, how we're coping, our plans for the future now, etc. As we say in publishing, TK.

So today is 9/11...ten years later...I'm not crying either

My blogging pal Jessica wrote a post today, about what day it is, and I feel very similarly. She closed comments (you can read why over there), but I wanted to respond, so I am doing so here:

Today, I'm not crying either. I have no reason to. Yes, it was a horrible day. It will always be a horrible day.

I was a senior in college when it happened, and while I watched people all around me panic and worry about loved ones (while most students came from MA, NY was #2 and SO many people knew people who died that day), I had no fear, really. I knew where my family was, no one I knew died that day, no one I knew lost anyone. Oddly enough, I knew a few people whose parents used the WTC subway stop or worked in one of the towers...but they either were safe in their buildings already, took the day off, or were RUNNING LATE FOR WORK. How awesome is that? I was horrified by the images on TV, and I watched with my friends all day, especially after we heard about the Pentagon and Shanksville. (Um, and WHY does everyone forget about THOSE TWO PLACES??? Because the Pentagon didn't fall down? Because Shanksville was a farm?)

I remember someone bringing up the day a few years ago, and I was kind of "whatever" about it. Which shocked a few people. But, look at it this way, if I'm sad for not losing anyone, aren't I cheapening the sadness for those people who did lose someone? I cried the most I had ever cried in my life when I lost my grandfather last October. I sobbed and wailed in church. I had never done that, ever. I couldn't stop crying. Even thinking about that right now makes me want to tear up. To me, that's totally fine.

Being sad and/or crying on 9/11 makes me think of this story: When I was a sophomore in high school, a very popular and well-liked student died from cancer. He was either a junior or a senior. The school arranged for buses to take his friends and teammates to the funeral. They also opened it up for anyone else to go. So many people used it as an excuse to get out of school, while they didn't know him, they still went to the funeral, to "pay their respects." I remember thinking "How dare you? You weren't friends with him, you didn't play football with him, you weren't friends with his siblings...why do you need to go? Why are you 'sad'?"

I was thinking today about my life since 9/11/01, and if it has changed that much. People have called it the day everything changed. Sure, we need more ID when we do things, but that's not a bad thing. The rules about flying are a pain (including the 3 oz liquids rule), but before 9/11/01, I'd flown TWICE in my life. After that day, I've flown three times. Big deal. I'm sure the rules about flying would have changed at some point eventually. I go to NYC more now than I ever did before 9/11, but that's because I'm older and have friends who live there. I never feel scared there.

For a person who is often anxious, it's funny that this attack didn't make me too upset and that I don't fear another attack. When I was a sophomore in college, a kid on my floor died of an asthma attack. I didn't know him, his room was on another wing, but that bothered me more. Same as when a guy in my class died a month before graduation, after falling out of a tree. I didn't know him either. Maybe it was because both deaths were close to my then-home? Maybe because they were peers? Who knows.

Why don't I fear another attack? Because bad things have always happened. I can't predict another one. I can't stop one from happening. I've experienced a different kinds of trauma since then, more personal types. My focus has been on those. Some might call me selfish, but I don't see it that way. We always need to focus on what's affecting us, before we can worry about other things. To use an airplane analogy (and if this is seen in bad taste, my apologies): you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone with theirs.

I don't know how to wrap this up--this post as a whole seems pretty disjointed. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your Sunday, and if it was a good day, great! If it was a sad day, tomorrow will be better.

(PS. Today is also the fifth anniversary of me starting my job. Who knew I'd still be there?)

I've got a star

Not one that I adopted and named , like KCJayhawk's sons did.

I have a 5 pounds lost star on my Weight Watchers weight tracking profile. I did it. In 4 weeks, I've lost 5.2 pounds, to be exact.

I've always been bigger. Off the charts when I was a baby and young child, then I got to be just a little fat, then really fat. In college, I slimmed down when everyone else was packing it on--hello, anxiety and bad food and cute boys and NOT drinking! Even though I could still shop in regular stores/regular sizes, I was still "bigger" than most of the ladies. After college, it came back on. A lot. I met C and it kept coming. You'd think a wedding would have put me into high gear to do something, but no.

I went to see my primary doctor on Thursday to do a blood pressure check in. I do this every 4 months to make sure I'm not stroking out or anything, and yes, they weigh me.

[I don't get this weighing at every appointment deal. They weighed me when I went to see if my hand was really broken. The nurse was like, "Let's get a weight for you" and I was thinking, "How about NO, because I don't think I can get my SHOES back on." I hopped on anyway, and walked in socks to the exam room.]

There was a four pound difference since I'd last been there, and I told the doctor when I started, what I was doing, how I was tracking. She was all for it and wished me well.

This time, for whatever reason, it feels like it's working. Something that I can stick with, over the long term. I think a lot of it has to do with the iPad. I know, it's a paradox because there's so much out there saying that technology is making us lazier, and in turn, leads to weight gain. In my case, it's helping because it's so much easier to track food with a small tablet than to weigh or measure my food, scribble it down on a piece of paper, run two rooms away to the computer, track it all, etc. I was doing this when I was just tracking calories, and it grew old, fast. And I'm not cutting out any food. Well, no more Dunkin Donuts muffins. But I'm still having ice cream, chips, BREAD, haha.

And I won the iPad through a work event, so my job that I am not happy with all of the time, actually contributed to my health! Who knew?

Hopping in quickly...

Ohhh, I just made a pun...

I wanted to keep track of my progress here since last Saturday I posted about some changes. When I weighed in this morning, I only lost 0.3# (slightly disappointed since I cut out my morning Dunkin Donuts runs).

In good news, I lost 1/2 inch from my hips! I'll take that :)

I also took Friday off, as the first real vacation day in...forever. One where I wasn't needing to go anywhere, didn't have people coming over to work on anything. I slept in late, got lunch with the hubs, visited with his grandmother for a few hours, relaxed, hubs cooked us a great & healthy dinner, then off to a super late movie. We saw Super 8, which was really good, but the ending was sort of...huh? Oh, and the ONLY housework stuff I did was vacuum the upstairs before dinner only because it was bothering me. And folded a load of laundry. Nothing too strenuous.

AND I DIDN'T CHECK MY WORK EMAIL!!!!!!

Anyway, I'm off to get my hair cut--love my newish salon, but don't like that it's 1/2 hr away--but wanted to post as soon as I weighed/measured this morning. Have a great Saturday!

Taking care of me, or how being selfish can really be selfless

I'm a mess.

I'm okay, I'm feeling pretty well, I'm in a good mood. But I am a mess.

I don't take care of myself--emotionally or physically. I hear that women do this a lot; they take on the problems of everyone else, but forget to deal with their own stuff, and then they fall apart.

I have been doing this and if I don't knock it off, I'm going to fall apart.

I am stressed and feel overwhelmed at work. There is a lot to be done and there isn't always a lot of time. My department depends on other departments, and when they don't complete assignments or tasks, we can't complete our work. Pressure! There's also the issue of having to work more hours, with less staff. I'm finding that is common all over now, thankyouverymuch economy that's still in the crapper, but it doesn't make me, nor anyone else, feel better.

The added pressure of DH being out of work doesn't help. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I am responsible for the well-being of my family. We're nowhere near destitute, but if I lost my job, we'd lose our health insurance. THAT would be bad. So I feel pressure to do well at work, yet I can only do so much, and then I get worried when things aren't getting done, even though the problem is bigger than me. I haven't been spoken to, or warned, or anything else that might make me be on edge, but I don't like seeing my to-do list grow, or tasks getting shifted from day to day, then week to week, never getting crossed off. I don't think anyone likes this. So I worry.

I have gained weight over the past few months, when I should have been working on losing. Fortunately, I haven't had to buy any new clothes in bigger sizes. Where I'm gaining it is in "right" areas for now. That needs to stop. I am seriously overweight, yet I've been doing nothing about it. And I mean NOTHING. I come home, eat dinner, tend the gardens, come in, sit on my butt and watch TV/surf the web....and then eat again. NOT GOOD.

I have the "luxury" of having a husband home most of the day, which means that certain chores are no longer my duty. I used to arrive home first, and was responsible for dinner. I don't do that anymore. While cooking, I'd throw in a load of laundry--I don't do that anymore either. So there's really no excuse for me not to be picking up on other things around the house and with myself.

I need to take advantage of this time I have and do something about myself. It's time to be selfish. To tell Turtle, "I'm gonna skip out on [insert show here] tonight, I need to go to bed early so I can head in before everyone else." Or to force myself out of bed on a Saturday morning to jump on the treadmill.

If I am selfISH, perhaps eventually I will be in a better mind to be selfLESS.

Think about it this way. If I'm coming home, tired and stressed, how is that a benefit to my husband and my marriage? I have turned into a bitch because of my inability to work on what's bugging me.

Also, if I end up with MORE health issues, most of which COULD BE AVOIDED, I will have trouble giving any part of myself to others. I won't feel well, or can't do that because of [whatever]. How is that fair? What if my parents need my help when they get older? Or Turtle? I'll be needing people to take care of ME. I don't want to be an invalid, or die prematurely.

It started today.

I got up, went on the treadmill for 37 minutes. Ironically, Dr. Oz was on TV, doing a heart transplant. I am 31 and on high blood pressure meds. DO I WANT THAT TO BE ME SOMEDAY?

No.

I also joined Weight Watchers online. My coworker just signed up yesterday, and I'd thought about doing it for awhile, but kept putting it off. I've always done well with tracking food and portioning out...WHEN I REMEMBER TO DO IT.

My first goal is to lose 15 pounds. (They made it for me.) I think that's pretty reasonable.

As for work...the other day I did email my direct supervisor and department head a long list of everything I had to get done, along with an estimate of how long it would take to complete. This came out of our department needing to assist another department in testing some new website files. I thought, "I can't even get my own work done, how can I help them?" and my boss didn't really seem to understand where I was coming from. Hence, the email. He looked at it and suggested some areas to cut out. Doesn't mean I'm excused from them.

I'm feeling slightly better about that, but not 100%. Especially not when things took longer than expected (my estimates for creating an email in HTML from scratch were WAY off). I said 2-3 hours. Try over 5. And it's still not done. Ha!

I know what the problem is, in this case. It's the fact that my boss, while absolutely crazy and weird, doesn't manage. At. all. He's so hand's off, he has no clue what's going on, and takes on more work, on the department's behalf. Meaning: my coworker and I end up doing it. I want to grab him by the collar, and yell "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE HAVE GOING ON!!! STOP THE MADNESS!!!!"

But he'd probably give us his tight-lipped smile and nod, saying "okay!"

I'm not sure what to do going forward. We have weekly department meetings where we are supposed to go over the week ahead, what's pressing, what needs to be handled, but they are a joke, since all he does is gab away and show off his skills with social media metrics. That's not all we do! He's been with our company for 4 months and I don't think he knows what my coworker or I do. God help him if something happened to us or we left.

I need to do something, but I'm not sure what will be most effective.

What works best for me:

• Getting in early, before most of my coworkers. I need to be more consistent with this. It really helps me. There's less distraction, less chance of things going wrong. I can get my day off to a good start and get organized. (And then I can leave early, haha!) The benefit of flex time...and having a key to the building!
  

• Making a to-do list every afternoon before I leave. I have been doing this for awhile and it's helpful. I keep it in Word, so that I can quickly add things, but also, I can use the strike-out function to literally cross off completed tasks! At the end of each day, I can cut & paste the things that didn't get done to the next day's list.
  
  
• Plot out each week. I've also been doing this for awhile, as part of my to-do list. That way, if I know I have a consumer sales email to go out on Wednesday morning, I probably don't want to wait until Tuesday afternoon to start it.
  
  
• Being more upfront about what I've got going on. Not all of my work comes to me via my supervisor or department head. Some of my duties I've been doing for years, so it's as automatic as breathing. But they might not know/remember about those things...
  

I might need to have another chat with my my supervisor and/or department head, as much as I'm loathe to do so. The last one we had didn't go over so well, and I don't know if it was me not explaining myself clearly (I tend to clam up when around the "big" people) or them just not getting it. Sometimes I'm just floating in the ocean, by myself, so to speak, and I have to scramble to figure out how to get things done.

I really hope that I can be consistent with ALL of this. Food, exercise, work, sleep, fun stuff.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Ever feel like you'll never get a break?

I do.

On Facebook, I keep seeing women who are stay at home moms talking about how they are going on vacation and little trips--both with and without their families. So first, they get to stay home, which I know is not all fun and games--and that's not my point. It's the traveling and getting to do what they want!

Meanwhile, here I am, working my butt off every day. We have no children. Usually people in our shoes travel as much as they can. We haven't gone on vacation since September/October 2007. Yes, our honeymoon. We did go to Philadelphia for a long weekend for our 1st anniversary, even though Turtle was laid off. We were going to go to Cape Cod this summer since my aunt has a house there, but now he's laid off again.

What are we doing wrong? Oh wait, I know, my husband got laid off. One woman's husband has been laid off too, yet they've gone to Hawaii twice and in the winters were skiing in Vermont every weekend. (I'm pretty sure her parents retired to VT & they have other family in Hawaii, which of course takes care of lodging, so I will give her a pass, I think.)

I KNOW that there's more than meets the eye with most people. And I know it's Facebook, where things can be embellished. These people could be charging up the wazoo on credit cards or get hand-outs from Mom & Dad. But still, I feel like I work SO hard and have very little down time or anything enjoyable. Especially now that I'm the sole earner. All of the pressure is on me.

I'd like a break, please.

I haven't taken a "real" vacation day, even one to just sit around my house, in....I don't know how long. The last vacation day I had was for Easter (Good Friday). My other time off in 2011 was for my friend's wedding and Turtle's wisdom teeth surgery. Before that, my vacation time was used for my grandfather's funeral in October, my hand surgery in April (2010) and other days/hours for physical therapy. I only get 2 weeks of vacation and until this year, only 3 sick days. (We now get 4.) I can't even call out sick as a mental health day since there's too much work to be done and I have no back up. I come home, tired and cranky. I can't even make my home a refuge--doing fun things after work and on weekends--because there's stuff piling up since I'm too tired. It's a vicious cycle. You'd think we had 6 kids for how much laundry needs to be done and put away. The dishes...oy. And the cleaning? It's embarrassing and horrible, but there's a room that was never properly cleaned...and we've lived here for over 18 months now. (There is a newly constructed division of labor now that Turtle's home all day, which I will blog about soon, but the home is the woman's domain, no matter how sexist that sounds. I am better at it. It's true! Yet I can't even get myself together.)

Ahh, the life of leisure...to do what I want, when I want. Not necessarily idleness, just activities that have a personal purpose. Maybe in retirement? If I live that long.

Hair update

I had some inquiries as to how the haircut went, sooo....

Part 1. Dry cutting
It was a little weird sitting in the chair, having someone cutting pieces out of your dry hair, but I took it all in stride. When Sarah, the stylist, was done, she showed me how much she cut off/out. It wasn't as bad as I thought--about 2 inches from each layer that she created.

Part 2. Washing
THEN I got my hair washed, but only with conditioner, since I'd washed my hair for real that morning. Sarah commented on how dry my hair was, which I never realized. Hence the "halo" of frizz that surrounds my head. Apparently this will calm down with time (and moisture!). While she was washing my hair, Sarah explained how I need to wash it: massage the scalp, but scrunching/squeezing the hair up the shaft, towards my scalp. I'd read this previously on some curly haired message boards and while flipping through the Curly Girl book at my old job at the bookstore.

Oh, and no more regular shampoo. Which is fine--for about the past 2 weeks, I've been using conditioner-only or when my head's felt a little gross, some baking soda. I was telling my mom about this yesterday and my brother was in the room, and started reciting the "shampoo vs. conditioner" scene from Billy Madison. So for your enjoyment, I give you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfcST4s7Qg0

Part 3. Getting the water out
No more turbans, no more terry cloth. That's what makes frizz happen. Microfiber towels should be used, but I'm cheap and lazy so I'd been using a "dirty" t-shirt that was in the laundry. (I say "dirty" because it was worn once and needed to be washed, but not disgusting that I wouldn't touch my hair with it. I think you know what I mean.) This is a fine choice if you don't have/don't want to buy/etc. a microfiber towel. If you do, you don't have to get them at a fancy store--Target/Walmart/etc. sells them in the auto section.

Note: You can also use paper towels, but WHO WOULD DO THAT???? Horribly expensive and terrible for the environment!!!!

Part 4. Product
After squeezing all MOST of the water out of my hair with a towel, we talked about what to put in my hair. We started with gel. I hadn't used gel in years? decades? so this was funny, to me. Sarah started at the tips, scrunching my hair, working its way up the shaft. I was imagining my hair looking SUPER stiff, the "wet" look...but it didn't. My curls were starting to get defined a bit and were a bit stiff but not too bad. She also sprayed a moisturizing spray near my roots, on the outer layer of my head.

Part 5. Pinning
Because curls/waves go down, they can pull on the hair, making the areas near the roots very flat. I usually have no problem with volume (hair OR voice, haha) but in this case, it might be necessary. Using these small duckbill pins (a tiny version of the pins you might use to section off your hair while getting it cut), Sarah pinned sections of my hair right at the root. (This is not something that I would HAVE to do every day--in fact, when I did my hair myself today I didn't.)

Part 6. Drying
Going under the "old lady dryer" is nothing new for me. For years, I've been put under there as punishment for having so much hair and hurting my former stylist's shoulders/arms. Kidding. Since I have so much hair, it's a time-saver to have me sit under there and get a lot of the moisture out before using the blow dryer.

Hair clipped, I again sat under dryer to let the curls set. Again, this is not something you'd have to do at home. Besides, I'm not buying a dryer and I don't have that kind of free time! The real purpose was that so the hair would dry faster and Sarah could see how well the dry cutting went.

Part 7. Cutting again
After I was dry, or close enough, I went back to the cutting chair, and Sarah took out the pins and then examined the curls and waves that were now on my head. She did a few more snips, here and there, and then proclaimed me as finished. She told me not to touch the curls until they were fully dry, then I could squeeze them to "break the cast" or make them not so stiff from the gel.

So that all happened on Friday afternoon. Saturday, I woke up and looked at my hair. It looked similar to how it did when I went to bed, except that the cast had been broken by the weight of my head. I also had a lot of frizz, but I'd been forewarned about this and knew I could spray some water on it. I did that, in an attempt to revive the curls. It worked...for a while. It was still frizzy looking, and to me, it looked really messy. It takes time--not only for the person to get used to wearing their hair like this, but also for the hair to get the moisture back. It will get better--some take 2 weeks, some take 2 months.

Today is Sunday and the first day that I've fully styled it myself. Just some gel, no pins. Nice waves/curls. I don't know what you'd call them. The frizz is still here though.

I'm waiting for someone at work tomorrow to ask me if I got a perm, hahaha.

You're so vain...you prob'ly think this [blog] is about you...

But nope, it's about me.

This afternoon, I am getting my hair cut. No big deal, usually. Except, today I am getting my hair cut by someone new. I haven't had anyone else cut my hair in NINETEEN YEARS. I've been going to the same stylist since I was 12. (Actually, when she was on her honeymoon and maternity leaves, I did have someone else pinch-hit for her, but it was a basic trim.) Anything drastic or new has been ONLY by this woman.

What happened?

For awhile, I've been toying with playing up my naturally wavy hair, instead of fighting it. When it's done right, it looks really good. I'm very much a "wash & go" type, so I never put much effort into it. Which means it usually ends up in a ponytail or looking very...tired. Awhile ago, I'd investigated the "Curly Girl" method. I know I have some natural curl. Not SUPER curly, but the waves do stay when they are taken care of properly.

That's what I need help with. I think I would do better by having my hair cut when it's dry, vs. what most stylists do--cut it wet. When my hair is wet, it's pretty stick-straight. But when it dries, it curls up, flips out, does whatever it wants to do. Also, my stylist puts her heart and soul into styling it for me...it looks fantastic when I leave the salon, but that's not how I normally wear my hair. She blow dries it (the last time I blew dry my hair was for my grandfather's funeral in October--even on the coldest days this winter, I didn't dry it!), she uses a flat iron to make it as perfect as can be. And of course, the cut looks wonderful when it's styled like that. When I wash it and "go," it looks...interesting. I think the way my hair has been cut is pulling out my curls and waves. As I've mentioned before, it's super thick, I have a lot of it...

So I'd been toying with going to a more "specialized" place for some time, but kept putting it off. I was intimidated to try a new place, wasn't sure if I "qualified" for this type of cut. When my friend announced where she wanted us to get our hair done for the wedding, I noticed that they were a salon that specialized in helping curly girls. (For those who know the bride, she's VERY VERY curly.) While I was in the chair, getting my hair done, I started talking to the stylist about my hair, how I'm not really happy with it, how I tried to go curly, etc. She looked at my hair and told me that I could definitely go that way.

That was it. After I had my hair done, I booked an appointment. I couldn't wait. For the past two weeks, I've been trying to wear my hair more curly...but it's not looking as great as I'd hoped. I've also been not using shampoo--don't worry, it's clean! I've been using baking soda every other day and just conditioner on the off days. Lots of conditioner every day, because you have to keep it moisturized. But I think it might be too much--or my hair is so heavy it's just weighing everything down.

I'm excited about today's change. even though it's unlike me to get this way about hair stuff. We'll see how it goes.

Today: good, bad, then good again

Today was going to be a good day. I was going into work very late, since we had an appointment with a financial planner this morning. We had breakfast at a bagel shop in my hometown, which neither of us had been to before. It was wonderful to take our time, not be in a rush, then head over to the man's office. The appointment went very well; we liked the planner immediately, he seems like he's a good fit for us and our personalities.

Then we went our separate ways--Turtle for his usual 12 to 8 Wednesday, me for an abbreviated day, although I'd be staying very late. Work was...challenging. My boss, who has been there less than 2 months, has lots of great ideas and very little knowledge as to how things work in the office and with the company. I got in at 11:45, by 12:15 I had a headache. And was annoyed. Then the programmers didn't upload files that I'd asked them to upload last night, for an email blast that was going out today. Then I was angry. I thought about some things in my non-work life, which made me sad. Mostly me and my health, and how a few people have disappeared recently, despite my reaching out.

I wasn't feeling that great by the time I left work around 7 pm. I dreaded the drive home, even though I knew I was making steelhead trout for dinner and it's one of our favorites. I reached our house, walked inside, and WOW! All of our ceilings had been painted. The kitchen looked fabulous--it had been filled with nail pops and bad patch jobs. Our bedroom was amazing--there had been a large stripe down the center from (I think) a taping fix that wasn't neat. It was GONE. The other areas looked great as well.

It's funny how something SO simple can lift your spirits. I then sprang to action, getting dinner in the oven, pulling things out for tomorrow night's dinner, unloading the dishwasher, etc. I even managed to move some heavy furniture away from the walls so that the painter could work on those tomorrow. If only these "little things" can pop up while I'm at work!

On being the baby maker...and the bread winner, part 2

I felt like my part 1 didn't really talk that much about Jessica's post, so I wanted to go back on comment on that!

Re: adoption. For some reason, I've always been interested in it. I don't know where my interest came from, especially since when I was growing up, I only knew one adoptee (as far as I knew). The husband sees things a bit differently, and like Jessica's DH, he feels the need to continue his blood line. (Which is ironic since over the past few years we've discovered some things about his family. To keep it simple, let's just say that certain family members were not raised by their biological parents, and even if they were never officially adopted by the "stand in" parent, it was pretty much the same thing. So much for those "blood lines," eh? lol)

We are open to adoption, as we don't know what sorts of problems we might have conceiving biological children. In fact, when Turtle was in the hospital (long before we were married, before we were even engaged!), he had a dream that we got married, and then adopted a whole family of Hispanic children--like 6 or 8 siblings. Anything is possible :)

But we also know the hurdles and obstacles that accompany the adoption process. I saw it first-hand at work as the owners of my company adopted a little girl (toddler) from Russia. I was there almost 2 years by the time they went to bring her home, and they started the process long before I was employed there. She is doing extremely well; they were very lucky to have been matched with a healthy, strong child. Not everyone is lucky, though, and not all children are born healthy. Some develop conditions along the way. Both instances are just like any biological children a couple might have.

I appreciate what Jessica is saying about adopting children of a different race, and for the most part, I think I feel similarly. While my DH might have had a dream about Hispanic children, I don't know what we would do in all reality. Being adopted can be hard enough (or as hard as you make it for the child) but to be obviously different? I don't know. For many reasons, DH and I are drawn to Eastern Europe--and would probably begin our search there if it came to that. Just saying that makes me feel horribly exposed, as if I'm a xenophobe or racist. Does that make us bad if we didn't want an American child? (Oh no, their bio parents might be out there and want the child back!) A child who is not Caucasian? (Oh no, the kid looks totally different than you!!) From what I've learned, every system has it's pros and cons, so there's not one thing better than another. It's more about what works for the family.

I feel that there is no right or wrong answer, as long as you go where your heart leads you and you are searching for a child for the right reasons. Everyone is called to a different place. Some down the street, some across the globe. And in the end, as long as a child gets a loving family, that's what truly matters.

I can see where Jessica is coming from on many levels. Being a parent in general, bio vs adopted kids, working while pregnant/parenting, etc. I think my "comment" is now finished!

On being the baby maker...and the bread winner, part 1

A few weeks ago, Jessica at Faith Permeating Life wrote a post entitled On Adoption and Selfishness. As you can see in the comments, I had something to say, but I never got around to it and once I had an idea of what I wanted to say, I realized that it would be a very long comment and that I should probably be nice and just host it on my OWN blog :)

What I wanted to say correlates more towards the end of Jessica's post. Like her, I am the breadwinner, at least for right now, maybe forever? That certainly wasn't how we predicted things would be when we got married.

Turtle's goal has always been to work for the state, in the public sector of his field. After grad school, he worked in the private sector, hoping that he would get enough experience so that when state jobs were finally posted, he would be hired. Well, he's gone for a lot of state jobs, but never hired, so it's been a long haul in the very underpaid private sector. Ironically, most of the private sector places in his field are contracted BY the state to provide services to this population, but of course, they want the most bang for their buck. Also, Turtle's accident and injuries were a red herring of sorts (for many reasons) and we live in a small state, and people talk. Not to be totally paranoid or anything, but it wouldn't surprise us if there was some kind of black mark next to his name. Then he was laid off, which further derailed his career for 18 months, and he's not where he wants to be career-wise, salary-wise, etc. Not at all. If your husbands are like mine, you'll get where this is heading...he feels like he's not pulling his weight, he's not being the "provider," we won't have the household that we both grew up in (raised by SAHMs, dads working), his injuries closed the door to certain field because he could never pass the physical tests, etc. I tell him that this doesn't matter, I didn't marry him for his earning potential, it's the fields we are in, we assumed (perhaps wrongly) that he would be in a state job by now. The list goes on and on.

He considered going back to school while he was laid off, but he already has a masters and is significantly underpaid. He isn't sure what he wants to do even now, because so many fields are unpredictable. (But so is life, I know all too well.)

My salary is 20% more than Turtle's, even if he brings home 14% more than I do, every 2 weeks. I love stats and numbers, so yes, I did figure out all of this. Why does he bring home more? I carry the health insurance, which is 28% of my salary. Isn't that disgusting? Yes, my employer only contributes the first $200 for the employee--any other family members on the plan are paid for 100% by the employee. Fortunately, this comes out pre-tax, but it significantly lowers the amount I actually take home. If I told you my salary, it could sound impressive (but numbers are relative, really). But not at the end of the year, when the W-2 is only 70% of that number.

We do plan on switching to the health insurance provided by Turtle's company as soon as his open enrollment starts. Hopefully this will take some of the financial pressure off of us, and allow us to save some more money.

If something were to happen to me and I needed to go on leave, we'd still have to pay the cost for health insurance. I know that's common for everyone, usually. But to not be bringing in ANY income, then getting a "bill" from my employer for a large sum of money each month would be horrible. Actually even if we were on Turtle's insurance, and I had to go on leave, it wouldn't be ideal, as there would be a large amount of income missing each month, but at least we wouldn't be socked with a bill from my own employer. (By the way, if an employee does go on leave, they'd still pay that $200. How generous.) If Turtle had to go on leave and we were on insurance through his company, it'd be the same thing. We'd be down an income for a bit, and would have to pay in, but it wouldn't be as huge of a bill. Conclusion: either of us on leave would suck! LOL

My company does not offer short term disability and my insurance agent said that it is so costly to take out a private policy, she wouldn't even give me a quote! Turtle's does offer short term disability, but he never signed up for it. I think I will have him look into that when open enrollment comes around.

So this brings me to how I feel about eventually getting pregnant, especially since last I checked, men can't have babies yet. Granted, there are health issues that need to be resolved first, but the money thing does weigh heavy on my mind as well. We cannot afford for one of us to stay home, unless we had multiples, then we'd have to because day care would be too costly. And even then I think we'd have a freak out. Day care around here is roughly $1000/month for an infant. The way things are right now, in the frame of health insurance and take-home pay, there wouldn't be enough, especially if we had to stay on my company's health plan. A family plan is well over $1000/month. Talk about being anti-family!

Another conclusion: We'd have to save up a LOT of money while pregnant to cover the loss of income while I was out of work. At least that's a PLANNED leave of absence. I don't even want to think about the unexpected... Regardless, it's hard to save up months of salary unless you were doing it already OR one person always made much more than the other, so that all you had to do was tweak some spending. Right now, looking at our take home pay, we're about $125 different.

At least we know that if we switch to Turtle's health insurance, we'd be able to free up some of my salary to put away. (So if you couldn't tell, I cannot WAIT for open enrollment to weigh our options!!!) It's not fun knowing that only you can have the babies and you bring in more money than your husband and if something were to happen, it wouldn't be good. I am all for womens rights, especially when it comes to employment and salaries, but what "rights" do I have when I know that if something were to happen to me that impedes my health, it could be disastrous for my family and our finances? I know I'm not the only woman in this situation, too. People worry about families being destroyed by all sorts of things, but to me, this is serious. A lack of understanding employers, a lack of affordable health insurance, and a lack of maternity coverage is also detrimental to families of all types.

This is not to say that I am ignorant of financial difficulties in families where the male is the breadwinner, but at least the burdens I'm discussing in this post are shared, if you will :) Male breadwinners might worry a lot about taking care of their families and the what if's that come with life, but they do not have the issues that accompany pregnancy--both personally and in the workplace.

I'm not looking for equality here. Equality with whom? Some "ideal" super woman? My mom? My friends? My husband? Other men? This might sound contradictory to my thoughts on womens rights, but honestly, equality will never be possible. Equality is not possible ANYWHERE because we are all different--whether between coworkers, friends, neighbors, etc. We all have different backgrounds, experiences, etc. Even two siblings will say that mom likes the other better, even if that's not true and the mom bends over backwards to make sure that everything is fair and equal. Why, then, do we expect equality so much? I'm not saying that a man is less than me, just that he cannot do everything that I CAN do. :) And yes, I worded that sentence that way on purpose. :)

What we need is fairness and consideration. From society, from our employers and from each other.

I've always been anxious about money, I don't know why. Our accountant says it's because of the values with which I was raised. He should know: he knew my grandparents and knows my parents, and does the books for the family business.

Recently, I had a "moment" stemming from some unexpected bills for work done on both cars, which depleted half of our touchable savings. I'm fortunate that we did not have to charge the work, but still. Now we have to pare things down to rebuild that savings, plus some. That makes me think about the future. And how easy it is to fall down into credit card debt. Turtle also has to have his wisdom teeth out in a few weeks, which will be another large chunk of money.

These present expenses and future expenses have really made me take a long hard look at income, savings, money in general. I actually wondered if buying our house was a good idea, if we really looked at the future and what expenses would pop up in a few years with kids. What's so laughable is that even if we were to sell our house and move into a rental, we wouldn't be that much better off!!!! When we rented, a 2 BR was $1000/month. Our mortgage, taxes, interest & insurance is $1968/month. There's no telling that we'd be able to find another rental and still be able to pay for day care and an increase in health insurance.

Needless to say, I feel stuck at times. Part of it is true, even after the housing market crash, our economy still bears heavily on housing. And housing bears heavily on two incomes, for many families. I know I'm not completely stuck though, there are some choices. Right now, I can 1) pare down spending while ramping up saving and 2) look for a new job. Not only for better benefits and more money, but also because there are some other things going on at my workplace right now that sicken me and anger me. If I can improve those 2 things, then maybe I won't feel so stuck.

This post was very long, and might have seemed out of order or jumping around. I hope that whoever reads this might understand what exactly I'm trying to say. And if you don't understand, or just have a question, feel free to ask.

To be continued...

I am angry

And I don't know how to fix it or change it, short of a few magical things happening. I really dislike not having control over situations, or when a fix might take months or even a year. Additionally, it really angers me when one thing has a hold on so many others...it can make you feel totally helpless. I have vented to my husband, my friends, now here...I've meditated, prayed, tried to figure out a "plan," even tried not to think about it, but I'm still angry. The issue is bigger than me, so I can't solve it. I can only try to fix my part of it.

I'll write more later, when I actually have TIME to sit and write a real post. Another thing to add to my anger.

(To ease everyone's minds, I'm OK, it's work/economy related.)