It's been an interesting few weeks

I haven't done Quick Takes in 2 or 3 weeks, but I'll be back tomorrow with some, don't worry! The past few weeks have been weird and busy, and I haven't really felt like blogging. That happens a lot with me. Blah. Is it spring yet!?!

Oh, one more thing. I don't know if Blogger did some formatting updates or if it was me updating some things on the iPad in general, but it's MUCH easier to write blog posts on the iPad now. But...this guy also helps me do the job EVEN faster:
http://www.logitech.com/en-us/product/tablet-keyboard-ipad 

Chris gave me this bluetooth keyboard and stand for Valentine's Day. MUCH better than flowers! I am having trouble inserting a picture from the iPad or from the web into this post, however. The link will have to do.

Getting around on the blogosphere...

Today, a post that I had written for Jen at Meditatio, as a part of her Proverbs 31 series, went up. Read it here: http://grace-filled.net/?p=4891

I think this is my first guest post! Next up Huffington Post!! ;-)

Clarification from yesterday

After re-reading yesterday's post, I realized that I might have left out a few things. So just for my own edification (and maybe yours too!), here are some other details.

Yes, I was written up in April, along with my coworker. We were both "charged" with insubordination and lack of professionalism, with the guarantee that if we didn't improve, we would be terminated. Isn't it a little odd to write up your entire staff on the same day, for the same things? Shouldn't that reflect badly on the manager, perhaps as a sign he couldn't keep his staff in check? Apparently not. During the write up meeting, I actually said as much, and also gave my boss a piece of my mind about his lack of consideration and respect, treating us as if we were stupid, not listening or believing us, among other things...

It should also be noted that not once in my entire work history had I been written up. Not even in my high school jobs! I'm not perfect, I've had things about my personality or work style brought to my attention (ahem, lateness, ahem), but nothing on this level. My coworker had a spotless employment record as well.

I will freely admit that with this guy, we were not angels. As those of you who know me in real life or via other channels know, he was really difficult to work with, and we were snippy with him. We tried to work around his quirks, but we were often met with resistance or laughter, directed at us and our ideas. Nice, huh? We stopped giving him information, waiting for him to ask for it, since if we didn't do it in his rigid method, it made matters worse. It's funny, now that I'm removed from the situation, it's hard to recall all the things that occurred.

Between April and November, I made a conscious effort to be nicer to him (or at least more professional), not show any attitude, and so on. It seemed as if when Chris received his diagnosis, this guy started dialing up the pressure on me. Did it really? I don't know. I don't want to be paranoid, but maybe he saw it as a great opportunity to begin getting rid of me. He seemed to be more nit-picky about things not looking perfect, wanting me to respond to issues on the weekends (including things that I could not resolve, like fixing errors on the web site, when he knew that IT needed to be involved), and having me do projects that were not fully explained, then changing his mind during them, leaving me with pieces of unfinished work.

During the fall of 2012, I was not fully present at work and I wasn't doing everything that I should have been. I think it was visible that my head was elsewhere. I believe employers have the responsibility to make their employees better workers. This was a sentiment shared with me by my aunt, who works in employee training for a national cable provider. Now, if I was a boss, I would have met with my employee, asking if she was really OK, did she need to take some time off, that sort of thing. I believe that when employees are supported, they will do their best work. Not in the hand-holding way, but just "we know you're going through a tough time, and we know you'll get back to your former productivity levels, but please take a month (or whatever needed) to get yourself back to full speed." It is expensive and time consuming to get rid of, and then replace, an employee. To me, it makes more sense to lose an employee for a month or three, versus documenting a case for their dismissal, then working on hiring and training a new employee. But that's me. The idealist.

Why I am scared to return to work

In my last post, I alluded to this fact. I am, indeed, scared to return to work. There are a few reasons...

I think I need to start out with why exactly I am no longer working. I also alluded to that in a recent post, but never came out and said exactly what happened. I wasn't laid off. Yup, the F word. (I'm so hesitant to type that word here, or even discuss the situation, but...it's who I am and I can't really hide from it.)

Did I know it was coming?
No. I had been written up in April 2012, but so had my coworker. There were only two of us in the department under this boss, and there was tension from my boss's first day of work in February 2011. Yet, I'd been promoted in January 2012. From the write-up meeting through the final meeting, I thought things were fine. I was completely blindsided.

Why did this happen?
According to the letter I received in the "final meeting," I was being dismissed for insubordination, lack of professionalism, and my recent work performance had suffered.

How much of that was true?
I'm not sure. While I know my recent work performance was suffering, I also know that I was making this clear to my boss; I wasn't hiding anything from him. I had been behind on some things, but I had planned on using the rest of 2012 to make up all assignments and any time that I needed to make up. In fact, I arrived at work around 7 AM on my very last day. The irony. Too little, too late, I guess.

They (boss and company owners) knew about Chris' illness; I made them aware of what was going on when we got the diagnosis. They said I had their support, to do what I needed to do. Chris' illness did affect my work performance. I was worried about him. His mental health was affected: he was panicked and worried about his health, his future, the lack of information the doctor was giving him, and so forth. He was calling me all of the time at work because he was scared; I had to leave early a few times. In addition, the worry was taking its toll on me; I have battled depression in the past, and the black dog was coming back to hang out with me. I had trouble getting to work on time.

[I know now that I should have been offered intermittent FMLA or even complete FMLA. To take some time off from work to care for Chris and to get my head together. That was never offered to me.]

Regarding the other claims in their letter, I believe that what transpired over Thanksgiving weekend was what really nailed the coffin. My boss called me and texted me repeatedly on Black Friday--3 times each in a 30 minute period. I was not on call that weekend, nor have I ever been on call in my tenure with the company. There was an incident a week or two prior to Thanksgiving where there was an error on the company web site that he wanted me to handle. I guess he didn't like my response to any of these issues. I guess I was too nonchalant or didn't take enough action. With the Black Friday episode, I did compose an email that I believed to have been professional, yet it did go to several people, so that might have been where I went wrong. I was trying to stick up for myself and not get taken advantage of.

In the final meeting, when I asked exactly what happened, my boss actually asked the owner of the company if he had to answer me. I was told by the owner that there had been "several issues, and mistakes, and they needed someone who could take ownership of these things." Additionally, my boss said that he needed someone he could depend on, who he didn't need to tell things to. That's fine, but it had never been addressed with me, and I said that it never had been discussed with me, not in any meetings I had with my boss regarding the holiday campaigns, any one on one's we regularly had, or even in my promotion meeting. How was I to know what needed to be done when I wasn't being told so? I also said (very calmly) that it was absurd to expect employees to know what to do.

Maybe I was set up? Maybe they wanted to get rid of me for awhile? Who knows. Several people think he had an agenda from day one and part of that might have been to get rid of me. This guy was not well liked by many people at the company, and yet, I'm the one who is without a job. Loyalty means nothing, and that upsets for someone who tends to be an idealist.

Now, as to why I'm afraid to return to work...

1. I'm afraid to juggle work and home again. Chris is doing a bit better, yes, but there might be other doctor's appointments that he'd like me to attend. It's hard to start a new job and get time off. And let's face it, home runs a bit smoother now that someone is home, taking care of things. Flexibility is nice.

2. I wouldn't have seniority, including more vacation time. I'd be starting over again as the "new girl," having to prove myself. This would have been an issue even if I'd left a job on my own terms, especially if I was going right into a new position.

3. I'll be 33 in March, and I would like to be on our way to starting a family sometime in 2013. You need to be working at a job for 12 months before you can qualify for FMLA, if the employer has 50 employees or more. Yes, I could theoretically start a job, work there for a few months, then get pregnant, and be in the clear for FMLA. This brings up a few other concerns, that I never had to think about until now:

• What if I need to go on leave before the 12 months have elapsed? For any reason, really, not just pregnancy.
• I wouldn't be just proving myself as the new girl, I'd also be proving myself as the PREGNANT new girl. It's hard enough to learn how a new place operates, and get up to speed. Now, imagine that with pregnant brain and being tired? I've heard stories from friends about how hard it is to work the easiest of jobs. I don't want to be discriminated against.

4. Can I even land another job? Who would want to hire me? What am I good at? Would I just lose my job again? What if I find myself in another bad situation that isn't family-friendly or flexible? I think these are questions and fears that a lot of people have, and I know most of them are silly, but I still have them. 

Thoughts on what to do next...

Some people have said to me that if Chris and I can live on just his salary, then maybe we should see how things go for a bit. I am collecting unemployment, and we're missing about $775 from my old salary. We're also missing the money I was socking away for retirement, which was deducted pre-tax and NOT matched, but that's money we never saw.

If I stopped getting unemployment and didn't work at all, we'd be out about 40% of our former income, so whatever I end up doing, I will need to work at some sort of job. I've seen some interesting part time jobs, but when I did the math, I am making more via unemployment, which is sad. I don't know the laws for my state or how they view part time work, but I think that I would lose some (not all) of the unemployment benefits. Part of me feels entitled to this money, that I should allow it to supplement our living, and part of me feels guilty, that I'm just mooching and being lazy, and that I should just go back to work. I am doing some freelancing work, but I don't know if the people hiring me are going to claim my work as a business expense, or if I need to fill out W9 forms. I don't want anything to come back to haunt me since our social security numbers track everything; I need to talk with our accountant. I can't just give up the unemployment money and focus on my business--I need an income to support me while I'm trying to get clients!

Chris is concerned with being the sole earner and has many of the same fears that I did when he was out of work, yet he likes how things are going much smoother at home. It's a conundrum. He also wanted someone to be at home with our kids, and that usually is the mother. A few months ago, I had done some math about our salaries, day care, and family health insurance. Even though I made more than he did, in these scenarios, it was advantageous for me to stay home. Why? If he stayed home, a family health insurance plan through my then-company would have been horribly expensive. If I stayed home, a family health insurance plan through Chris' employer would haven't been much more than it is now. Half of my income would have gone to day care. For what, me to be stressed out more than I already am--about work, my house, my family, myself, money? Ugh.

My feminist side says it's not good for anyone to depend on another person, that we need to be independent. But then I laugh, because Chris depends on me, as much as I depend on him right now! I make sure his clothes are clean, that we have food to eat, and all of those nice things. He can focus on work, getting himself healthier, and his usual house chores/duties. There aren't any fights over who's cooking tonight, and who didn't pull out the meat from the freezer. It's more clear cut. And even when I was working, we lived as though we "depended on" both incomes. Everything went into one pot, from which we paid bills, saved, and lived. It wasn't my money and his money, and it still is. In our house, any sort of independence is really an illusion. We're a team, a unit. What affects my husband affects me and vice versa. Yet, this "dependence" is making me feel like I need to stay home, at least in the near future.

Am I a failure?

It's been over a month since I last blogged. Ironic, when I'd said before that I'd have more time to blog.

It's not like I have a job that keeps me away from home or blocks/tracks my internet usage. I don't have a job at all.

I've applied for ONE job. Just one. It wasn't even a full time position. It was at the university I worked at when I first got out of college, at their publishing house. I haven't heard back yet. I've seen other jobs that might be OK, but they aren't what I want to do. That's right, I don't really know what I want to do. I'm afraid to work again, at full time job, for a lot of reasons.

The house is not picked up, nor is it spotless. There are still piles of laundry to be put away, dishes to be done, floors to mop. I have lists of projects and things to do that are going un-done. I never got on any schedule.

We didn't decorate our Christmas tree. I set it up, and put the lights on, but we never got around to the ornaments. Chris was sick in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and on Christmas Day. It wasn't the same this year. We didn't even attend Divine Liturgy or Mass at Christmas, since Chris was sick and I didn't want to go to church by myself.

I worked at my company for over six years, and became quite friendly with almost everyone. Yet so many people never reached out to say they were sorry to hear about what happened. It's like I never existed. I don't know if they are scared to talk to me, or feel awkward about bringing the subject up, but it's lonely. As much as I might have been unhappy with my position, I enjoyed almost all of the people I saw every day. I guess we weren't as good of friends as I had thought.

Many people suggested that I try to do what I was doing at my job, on my own, as a little business. I've had some interest (and made some money) but then it feels like they might want more from me than I'm capable of, or we aren't connecting...or just something isn't right. I don't know if I'm lacking confidence, or I'm scared of success (and failure), or if it's not a good fit. I'd love to work from my house, doing what I love, on my OWN terms, but then I think "do I have enough years behind me to look credible enough?"

I've been out of work for 40 days. (I just counted, I didn't realize this before I started this post.) The irony. Noah's flood was 40 days. Lent is 40 days. Yet, I don't think any miracles will await me tomorrow.

I guess I could turn things around and ask myself what I have done over the past 40 days.

I have:

• hung up pictures and other objects that have been waiting for a long time
• finally visited both libraries in my town (only took 3 years of living here!)
• listened to 3 audiobooks (and almost done with number 4)
• filed for unemployment, dealt with being on hold with them many times, got through a hearing, and am now collecting
• reached out to former bosses and other colleagues to let them know about what happened
• traveled with my mom to my aunt's house on Cape Cod for a long weekend with "just the girls" (two other aunts joined us, and my three girl cousins were supposed to, but they were busy with school and part time jobs)
• updated my resume, just in case
• continued to keep expenses low by not wasting food or buying more than we need, keeping our wood stove going so that we don't burn oil (we can get free firewood, oil not so much), planning out my errands to coincide with gym appointments, among other things...I type this as I have a stack of bills that need to be paid, but that's life, working or not
• gone to the gym three times a week...and am trying to start running
• lost weight and inches
• considered going to see a NaPro doctor regarding my obvious fertility issues (not that we've tried to conceive, far from it) but things are supposed to happen...and they haven't, so I'm pretty sure something is wrong
• paid more attention to my cats than I have in a long time
• contacted potential clients for my business, and as I mentioned before, I have actually been paid for some of my efforts...not much, but it's something
• cleaned out and reorganized two closets
• started to reorganize our kitchen cabinets, including purging the extra knives, bowls, etc, in order to reduce clutter and streamline things
• cooked healthier food, and experimented with healthier versions of our favorite things
• accompanied Chris to doctor's appointments
• spent more time with my mom than I have in awhile
• slept better than I have in a LONG TIME and am not stressed nor distracted

Yet, why do I focus on what hasn't been accomplished? Why do most of us tend to do this?  Are we truly failures if we accomplish something, even if it wasn't on our original "to do list?"

Babies babies everywhere!

But not a one at this house...not yet.

I've heard of the phenomenon: you start thinking more and more about starting a family, and suddenly EVERYONE is pregnant! Or at least it feels that way. Of the blogs I follow, three ladies are pregnant. No, FOUR! And I don't follow that many. At work, we have one girl (she's my age, can I still call her girl?) who is on maternity leave and we've got two more moms to be in early 2012, as well as a guy whose wife is due any day now. On a message board I frequent, we have two little boys and one little girl born in 2011 and a few of the girls are thinking about TTC very soon.

And church, I guess we can say we are having a baby boom? TWO ladies are expecting--1 with number 7, the other with number 4. Another woman had her second a few months ago. This is unheard of, given we are a very small parish with not many young people, even if two of these ladies are part time parishioners since they come from a distance.

I can't say I have the fever, but I am thinking about it more. If you can't tell, this is the hardest thing for me, and C too, to just "let go and let God." I hate that, because with every other issue we've dealt with, it's been so easy (or, at least easIER) to give it over. Why is this so difficult? Is it because it's the most serious? Yes, marriage is serious and we believe it's forever, BUT one could get out of it if one really wanted to. Same with a job. I can quit or I can be laid off or get fired. I have no control over what my boss or the owners do to me. I can sell my house, the cars, anything, if I didn't want it any more.

Kids are yours until you die. (OK fine, you could give them up for adoption, but I'm not going there.) They cost money, true, but I think we will be able to manage if the health insurance doesn't kill us first, ha. Parenting isn't just about the material goods or taking a sick child to the doctor. They are important, but so are things like being a good example, being selfless, not being bogged down with other issues that distract you...being present in your childs' lives in a healthy way is vital to raising productive adults. To me, being a good parent is harder than making sure the material needs are met. It's scary to know that you are responsible for molding that little mind and soul. What if I'm a bad parent? What if I can't do it? What if my own issues pop up and are serious enough that they get in the way? Am I mature enough to handle this enormous task? These are serious questions, and they've scared me off from taking the next step, but they aren't the only issues at hand.

I feel horribly guilty for some of the things that I've written above, because, as Catholics, we must be open to life at all times. Who is really open at all times? We don't truly know, and honestly, I believe that is between a couple and God. Me writing what I have here could come
off as controversial, especially since I've just said that this has been the hardest thing for us. Me worrying about being a good parent is fairly rational fear, since last I checked, no one knows how to do it, and kids don't come with manuals; you just learn as you go. If I worry about money, is that a good enough reason not to start a family? If C doesn't have a secure job (or ANY job, as we have experienced twice now), is it prudent to wait? Some might tell me that we are wrong, and we just need to let it all go. Some might say that we are right, that only God knows what is going on in our hearts and minds. If my doctor tells me it is not a good idea to get pregnant just yet because of my health and that of a fetus developing, am I smart to listen to her, or silly for taking medical advice, because God knows MORE than my doctor? But didn't God give my doctor intelligence and knowledge? I know that people say things like babies come with blessings or a loaf of bread or something like that, but for me, it's hard to trust in something when an innocent life is involved. Like there not being enough money or one of us losing our jobs. Maybe that's only because we have experienced those things?

Is that funny? Weird? Crazy? That I care about my not even conceived children enough to want them to be born under the best circumstances possible? It's a little bit of all three, since nothing is perfect and any sort of control is really an illusion. It doesn't help that I've
battled anxiety for over 10 years, mostly regarding things out of my control. I guess I'm my own worst enemy.

So, what's it going to take? First things first. Me. How can I be really open to life if I'm not healthy enough to ensure a healthy (or even a live) baby? I don't have any diagnoses of what WILL happen or what WON'T happen, but it's not wise right now to even just see what happens. Let me spell it out: I need to lose about 100 pounds. Yes, that's a lot, and thankfully I have a large build so I carry it well, but that's not enough when the insides are affected more than we can see.

When I get closer to goal weight, hopefully signs of fertility will return, because that will make things much easier when discussing any issues with doctors. Right now, I got nuthin'. And, I can stop taking the many meds I'm currently on: not only because they aren't fetus-friendly, but if I'm thinner, certain health conditions should resolve themselves. Like high blood pressure.

I'm giving myself about a year to get my weight in check, then I'll have about 3-6 months of reducing or changing meds, getting an idea of what my cycles are like, a time where I'm not avoiding, but not actively seeking a conception either. Just letting my body do its thing. I'll be 33 in less than 18 months and time is ticking.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who got married right out of college and pregnant on my honeymoon, because now I'd have a 7 or 8 year old and we wouldn't have gotten used to two incomes and be worried about if time is running out and all that. I'm sure there are women like I've just described who would have liked to been single for a few years, then get married, then have kids bit later, to get to work out of the house and do something different. The grass IS always greener. You know what's funny? It's only within the past few years have I really figured out who I am and what I want and that's not easy the older you are and the more responsibilities you have. Maybe if I didn't have all the life experiences I've had (and they are probably tame!), I wouldn't have figured myself out. That doesn't help with the biological clock though....

I'll get there though. I always do, even if it's not on everyone else's timeline.

So thankful

C got a job. He starts Monday, and will be actually going back to the company he'd previously worked for until May, when he was laid off. While we're happy, I'm not jumping up and down just yet. Longer post later, but I wanted to keep things over here as up-to-date as possible.

For those of you who prayed, thank you. Knowing that we had supporters on the spiritual side of things was awesome.

For those of you who checked in with me, thank you. Your friendship and care helped me through some dark days.

For those of you who just sent lots of good thoughts, thank you. I think positive energy can move across the miles.

For those of you who blew off my concerns and worries, I will pray for you, to learn sensitivity when people are going through rough times.

For those of you were mean to me or unsupportive, I am sorry that you lack kindness.

Good news?

I might have some good news to share with all of you, very soon.

Details to follow, but please keep us in your prayers. ;-)

So today is 9/11...ten years later...I'm not crying either

My blogging pal Jessica wrote a post today, about what day it is, and I feel very similarly. She closed comments (you can read why over there), but I wanted to respond, so I am doing so here:

Today, I'm not crying either. I have no reason to. Yes, it was a horrible day. It will always be a horrible day.

I was a senior in college when it happened, and while I watched people all around me panic and worry about loved ones (while most students came from MA, NY was #2 and SO many people knew people who died that day), I had no fear, really. I knew where my family was, no one I knew died that day, no one I knew lost anyone. Oddly enough, I knew a few people whose parents used the WTC subway stop or worked in one of the towers...but they either were safe in their buildings already, took the day off, or were RUNNING LATE FOR WORK. How awesome is that? I was horrified by the images on TV, and I watched with my friends all day, especially after we heard about the Pentagon and Shanksville. (Um, and WHY does everyone forget about THOSE TWO PLACES??? Because the Pentagon didn't fall down? Because Shanksville was a farm?)

I remember someone bringing up the day a few years ago, and I was kind of "whatever" about it. Which shocked a few people. But, look at it this way, if I'm sad for not losing anyone, aren't I cheapening the sadness for those people who did lose someone? I cried the most I had ever cried in my life when I lost my grandfather last October. I sobbed and wailed in church. I had never done that, ever. I couldn't stop crying. Even thinking about that right now makes me want to tear up. To me, that's totally fine.

Being sad and/or crying on 9/11 makes me think of this story: When I was a sophomore in high school, a very popular and well-liked student died from cancer. He was either a junior or a senior. The school arranged for buses to take his friends and teammates to the funeral. They also opened it up for anyone else to go. So many people used it as an excuse to get out of school, while they didn't know him, they still went to the funeral, to "pay their respects." I remember thinking "How dare you? You weren't friends with him, you didn't play football with him, you weren't friends with his siblings...why do you need to go? Why are you 'sad'?"

I was thinking today about my life since 9/11/01, and if it has changed that much. People have called it the day everything changed. Sure, we need more ID when we do things, but that's not a bad thing. The rules about flying are a pain (including the 3 oz liquids rule), but before 9/11/01, I'd flown TWICE in my life. After that day, I've flown three times. Big deal. I'm sure the rules about flying would have changed at some point eventually. I go to NYC more now than I ever did before 9/11, but that's because I'm older and have friends who live there. I never feel scared there.

For a person who is often anxious, it's funny that this attack didn't make me too upset and that I don't fear another attack. When I was a sophomore in college, a kid on my floor died of an asthma attack. I didn't know him, his room was on another wing, but that bothered me more. Same as when a guy in my class died a month before graduation, after falling out of a tree. I didn't know him either. Maybe it was because both deaths were close to my then-home? Maybe because they were peers? Who knows.

Why don't I fear another attack? Because bad things have always happened. I can't predict another one. I can't stop one from happening. I've experienced a different kinds of trauma since then, more personal types. My focus has been on those. Some might call me selfish, but I don't see it that way. We always need to focus on what's affecting us, before we can worry about other things. To use an airplane analogy (and if this is seen in bad taste, my apologies): you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone with theirs.

I don't know how to wrap this up--this post as a whole seems pretty disjointed. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your Sunday, and if it was a good day, great! If it was a sad day, tomorrow will be better.

(PS. Today is also the fifth anniversary of me starting my job. Who knew I'd still be there?)

What we learned, and a different kind of aftermath (post-Irene)

What we learned:

1. Plan ahead, as much as you can. While there is NO WAY you can plan for everything in life (and yes, I'm saying this, as much as I like to control things), there are things you can do, especially when your area is being threatened by a serious storm.
2. Watch the weather. This goes with #1.
3. If you definitely know a storm is coming, start the preparations early. What C did on Thursday and Friday, before Irene, was good because it allowed us time to get last-minute things accomplished. Some things have to be left to the last minute, others just "happen." Doing as much as we could, ahead of time, really worked.
4. Have water on hand. Especially if you have a well. Or, know where you can get water for free. Besides our cemetery pump, there is a brook/river nearby, and we could have pulled toilet-flushing water from there. We had plenty of drinking water, and sadly you need more to flush a toilet!
5. Also, if you have a well, the SECOND the power goes out, your water is GONE. There's no "when the tank is empty, you're out of water." I hadn't realized that's what happens. I thought there was a holding tank where the water sat after it got pulled from the well. Not even HOT water was held in the "hot water tank." I was surprised but recovered quickly.
6. Conserve the water you DO have. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, we had one bathtub filled. We had 2 or 3 buckets filled in another bathroom. That all could be used for toilets, since the buckets had been used in the garden and probably weren't that pristine. But what about washing? We also had a big stock pot filled in the bathroom that had the buckets. Since the stock pot was super clean, that became the hand washing water. After using the bathroom, we rubbed liquid soap onto our hands, and rinsed in the stock pot water. We used that bathroom throughout the 2 days of no power; it was just easier. Toothbrushing was done with bottled water, but we didn't worry if the toothpaste "suds" didn't get washed down the drain. I could clean out the sinks AFTER the power was restored.
7. It's OK not to be green. We used disposable utensils, cups, and paper plates, since we had no water to do dishes. This didn't bother me that much since 95% of the time, we use reusable things in the kitchen. When we couldn't use disposable things (like the wok, for soup), we wiped food residue off of them with paper towels. This totally goes against how I live, but I didn't want the power to be off for a week (like it was in some places) and wind up with so much mold on dishes, that I needed to use a power washer to get it off.
8. It's OK to eat junk. Well, not really. We didn't sit around and eat chips and candy all weekend, we let the food in the house (mostly the fridge stuff) dwindle prior to the storm. Who wants to stock up with perishables, then lose power AND all of their purchases? So when C stocked up on Thursday, he bought things that could supplement the non-perishables we already had on hand. We also decided what could go in the cooler on ice. So it meant that we did eat pretzels, crackers, and cookies, but also leftover steak, apples, and tomatoes from the garden.
9. It's good to clean before storms hit. Then you can relax in your clean house, instead of worrying about the dirty floor and how you can't run the vacuum since there's no power :) Also, if you have a well, clean all of your toilets THOROUGHLY prior to a storm. Especially if you have to "let it mellow" every few trips.
10. That being said, don't let your house fall into chaos. Try to have a routine. I still cleaned the litter box, still swept the floor if it needed it. We still picked up our stuff after being done with things. It made for a much easier transition back to "real life" as we didn't have to stop everything and clean the house first.

A different kind of aftermath
As I mentioned in earlier posts, I had three days off from work (not counting weekends). I didn't ask my boss if we were being paid or not, and he didn't mention anything. I also spoke to one of the owners by phone and email, and nothing was mentioned. C told me not to be surprised if I wasn't paid for these days, but I said to him "don't be silly, they can't NOT pay us!"

Ha. Wrong. When we got into work on Thursday, nothing was said. Oh, and the power was ON when we got in, so we were full speed ahead. Finally, I asked my boss an indirect question of "what do we put on our timesheets for Monday through Wednesday?" He said he didn't know, that he'd find out, but "I'm SURE you'll be paid."

He was wrong, also. Now, we didn't find out the answer until LATE on Thursday afternoon, which was annoying enough. The answer was: take it unpaid, use PTO, or make it up over the next few weeks.

Wow. I was shocked. We're salaried employees, which means that even if you work 24 hours a day, for 14 days, when you get your paycheck, you're still only being paid for 80 hours. Why isn't it the same for when you work LESS than 80 hours? Especially as most of us work well over 80 as it is right now. My argument has always been, it all balances out eventually. (My boss agreed with me on that point.)

I might remind you that Thursday afternoon was the Thursday before Labor Day weekend. So this was putting a damper on some peoples' weekend plans, as those who wanted to make it up, wanted to do so as soon as possible. I was one of those people: the longer you wait to make up something, the more you're apt to have SOMETHING ELSE pop up. There were other people who had used up all of their vacation time for the year, and had no choice, other than taking it unpaid, and MOST people can't afford to do that.

What did I do? See below:

Monday 8-29: used a vacation day, after I found out that we had to make up the time
Tuesday 8-30: had worked 1 hour from home
Wednesday 8-31: had worked 4 hours from home
Thursday 9-1: worked 11 hours in the office
Friday 9-2: worked 12 hours in the office (at this point, my balance was 36 hours)
Saturday 9-3: off
Sunday 9-4: off
Monday 9-5: Labor Day, went in, worked 8 hours, also got 8 hours for the holiday
Tuesday 9-6: about 9.5 hours
Wednesday 9-7: about 9.5 hours
Thursday 9-8: about 9.5 hours
Friday 9-9: I know I worked 8 hours, 20 minutes. When I left at 5, I had 53 hours on my timesheet, or 45 hours of actual WORK.

Honestly, I don't remember the exact hours worked for Tuesday through Thursday, but I can figure out an average. It was a lot of extra work, even with a "free" 8 hours. In the end, between holiday, vacation and regular work, I had 89 hours for the pay period. And I was exhausted on Friday night. I had hoped to leave early, like around 3 or 4, but had to stay until 5. Sigh.

You might notice I have more than 40 hours of work per week. We're told to have an average of 42.5 hours a week, but no one's ever said what the average's span is, per year? Per pay period? I always assume it's pay period. I hope they're happy now.

Looking back, I feel that this entire things was handled rather poorly. My company should have said something right away when they first closed. I understand that we've never been in this situation before, but it's not THAT hard to say "no pay!" Also, I understand that they didn't know how long we'd be without power for, but I wonder what they would have done if we were closed for a week or longer? Who had THAT much vacation time, especially when we're not allowed to carry over more than a week from year to year?

On the other hand, I'm happy to still have a job. Not just because of economic reasons either. What if the building was damaged or destroyed? What if the owners were killed? (Which reminds me, I don't know if there is a contingency plan God forbid that were to happen!) I hope we are in the clear when it comes to hurricanes for the rest of this year, and now that winter is around the corner (as it's 75* today), I hope that we're spared from crazy winter storms like last year. At least last winter, we didn't lose power and could work from home ;-)

Follow up to yesterday's post

For all of those wondering besides Jessica, yes, C did get that call yesterday and has an interview tomorrow :)

He's happy to have the opportunity, although he is a bit apprehensive. It seems like there are other internal candidates and the schedule is not so great either. I told him that they could be using the "other candidates" schpiel to keep everyone emotionally detached and not get anyone's hopes up--this is applicable on both sides. The schedule is actually worse than it was when he first started working for this company. Back then, he worked 2 late nights and all day on Saturday, with days off being Sunday and Monday. He finally did get Saturday and Sunday off, but it took awhile and other people had to leave first.

This new position would have THREE late nights, but his days off would be Friday and Saturday. He wouldn't have to be into work until 1 PM on Sunday, so it wouldn't affect church--MUCH*. It's much easier for me to take off a Friday than it was a Monday, so if we wanted to spend more time together that would be easier than previously.

I told C that if he received an offer, that taking the job was up to him--just because they wanted him, didn't mean he had to take it. He could wait it out and keep applying. I felt like I pressured him to take his last job, as it was only his second offer in 16 months. I was getting nervous about not having enough money, what if he never found ANYTHING, etc. That job caused him grief in his first or second week, when he got into two car accidents in as many days. Both weren't his fault, but they seriously made him rethink the job!

C feels a lot of internal pressure to take the job. Mostly because our state just laid off 70% of the division that oversaw C's previous facility, which means an already small job pool would dry up. The other facility is under a different state division, which is much more secure. Working at this facility would be a great stepping stone for him, as he has always wanted to work in this particular division. He'd get more exposure to the policies and procedures, as well as getting to know various staff within the department. Other good things about this job: he'd be at the same company, same upper level management, same good benefits, etc. On the other hand, he'd still have a 25-30 mile commute and the wear and tear on the car would continue. Not to mention gas. There wouldn't be much pay increase, either, but that's non-profit work for you.

There isn't much we can do. All C can do is go to the interview, do his best, see what happens, and pray that it goes well and ask if this is in The Plan for us. All I can do is help him to prepare for the interview (mostly ironing his clothes!), not bother him the morning of the interview (he gets nervous) and also pray that it goes well and ask if this is in The Plan for us. That's it. Of course, we'd appreciate your thoughts and prayers as well! :-)

_______________________

*Our church is 1/2 hour away from our house, and about midpoint between the new job and home. He mentioned to one of the potential bosses that he attends church close by, that it would not be convenient to have to go back and forth, would it be possible to work 11-7 on Sundays instead of 1-9? She didn't see why that would be a problem and could be considered. But that leaves us having to take two cars, since I'd need to get home. We already drive a LOT for work (my commute is about the same as C's), so taking two cars to church seems ridiculous. There's no public transportation to work or church and no carpooling availability. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, I guess. Someone suggested to me last night that I could go to a different church on Sunday, a closer one, but that's not really something I want to do. Byzantines are dying out. I like worshiping as a family, even if I'm in the choir & C's on the altar. I honestly get more out of Liturgy than I did ANY Roman Mass.

I don't like when I don't have control over something that should be easy to remedy. How much should you sacrifice? In other countries, people are persecuted for their religious beliefs. I can go anywhere I want, I could even worship my mailbox if I believed in it as a deity, and I couldn't be arrested or tortured. And yet, here I am, getting huffy because we might have to do things differently to get to church. Should I offer it up as a sacrifice? Do I lower our weekly contribution in that case? I'm already singing in the choir and C is an altar server--both started around the time he got laid off, so I did lower our weekly contribution a bit, only because I believe that contributing to a church isn't just giving your treasure (money). It's also giving your time and talent. I don't think the extra car would make THAT much of a dent in our finances or make our cars die out that much sooner, but it does and will add up. It's the impracticality of it that bothers me the most, I think!

And sadly, no, this parish doesn't offer a Saturday night Liturgy. If it did, that would solve everything! But we are too small to have more than one Liturgy, and the older people would complain because of driving in the dark. This possible situation involving when and where we attend Liturgy just feels like one more punishment or annoyance that Byzantine Catholics deal with in a country that is so Roman-focused or doesn't do church at all. C often jokes that he's had a lot of suffering in his life (losing his mom suddenly and at a young age, the accident/recovery hell, being laid off twice in four years) that religion shouldn't be so hard.

I guess we shall wait and see.

I've got a star

Not one that I adopted and named , like KCJayhawk's sons did.

I have a 5 pounds lost star on my Weight Watchers weight tracking profile. I did it. In 4 weeks, I've lost 5.2 pounds, to be exact.

I've always been bigger. Off the charts when I was a baby and young child, then I got to be just a little fat, then really fat. In college, I slimmed down when everyone else was packing it on--hello, anxiety and bad food and cute boys and NOT drinking! Even though I could still shop in regular stores/regular sizes, I was still "bigger" than most of the ladies. After college, it came back on. A lot. I met C and it kept coming. You'd think a wedding would have put me into high gear to do something, but no.

I went to see my primary doctor on Thursday to do a blood pressure check in. I do this every 4 months to make sure I'm not stroking out or anything, and yes, they weigh me.

[I don't get this weighing at every appointment deal. They weighed me when I went to see if my hand was really broken. The nurse was like, "Let's get a weight for you" and I was thinking, "How about NO, because I don't think I can get my SHOES back on." I hopped on anyway, and walked in socks to the exam room.]

There was a four pound difference since I'd last been there, and I told the doctor when I started, what I was doing, how I was tracking. She was all for it and wished me well.

This time, for whatever reason, it feels like it's working. Something that I can stick with, over the long term. I think a lot of it has to do with the iPad. I know, it's a paradox because there's so much out there saying that technology is making us lazier, and in turn, leads to weight gain. In my case, it's helping because it's so much easier to track food with a small tablet than to weigh or measure my food, scribble it down on a piece of paper, run two rooms away to the computer, track it all, etc. I was doing this when I was just tracking calories, and it grew old, fast. And I'm not cutting out any food. Well, no more Dunkin Donuts muffins. But I'm still having ice cream, chips, BREAD, haha.

And I won the iPad through a work event, so my job that I am not happy with all of the time, actually contributed to my health! Who knew?

Healthy eating at work and on the go

This post was originally going to be a simple comment over at Jessica's blog, after her post about taking care of yourself, but it grew too long and I felt it was sort of rude to just dump an almost-essay in someone's comments. So I turned it into a "real" post, expanding it to a reasl essay and adding more tips for the general population.

If you've got blood sugar issues, or just feel better when you eat every few hours, you need to keep a lot of snacks on hand and find the time to snack frequently. This can be a challenge no matter your life situation, but even more daunting when you're at work. You can start your day on a great note, but lunch schedules, rules about food, meetings, extended days can all take a toll on our so-called plans. Also, when you're on the go, be it after work running errands or on the weekend while volunteering or road-tripping, it can be tough to make sure you've got the right fuel in you.

[I've been told I have insulin resistance, but all of my test results are fine, I've never had to do the challenge with the drinks, so I try to watch my starchy carb intake and eat small meals/snacks throughout the day. My anxiety is also kept at bay with frequent food in take. Strange.]

Healthy eating isn't just about what you put in your mouth. It's about making time to eat, eating good food, and avoiding traps.

Making time to eat at work
I'm fortunate that I don't have a set lunch time and that there are no rules about food in my office. So I eat what I want, when I want, where I want. 95% of the time I bring food from home and eat at my desk. Obviously I don't bring in anything stinky since we don't have a closed off lunch area and I don't want to gross out my coworkers. I know, I should really take a lunch break but the lunch table is 10 steps from my desk, people don't care if you're eating and they have a question, and I'd much rather prefer to go out and run errands or stay in to read blogs, check email, go on Facebook for my breaks.

If you have a set time or can only eat in a break room, it's harder to make that time for yourself. Hopefully you can get on a schedule that works for you and your body, and if you have to eat away from your desk, remember to GO to lunch. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor. I used to skip lunch a lot and would pay for it later. Sometimes I still forget to eat, I just get absorbed in a project and think "after I've coded this" or "let me insert 3 more images, then I'll go heat up my lunch." Then it's 2:30 and I wonder why I feel horrible.

Eating good food, no matter where you are
Often times, people are daunted by eating healthy in general, but especially at work. You might hear "I always go out with my coworkers" or "the cafeteria is soooo good" or "Subway is cheap and fast!"

For me, I don't have the coworker peer pressure of going out--most people in my office bring from home. There's no cafeteria. There are places to get food, but since you have to drive everywhere, by the time you run out, order, wait, come back, you'll have to end up eating at your desk since we only get a half hour for lunch. Some work places will be harder to break the habit...but if you have to get take out, there are healthy options in almost every place. Yes, even at the Chinese restaurant! A simple search of "eating healthy while dining out" will give you over 3 million hits. And you can do it right before you head out with your coworkers to the new place up the street.

Lunch can get boring, which can lead us back into temptation of junk food and not-so-great lunches. For years, I ate turkey and cheese with mustard on wheat bread. Then I got SICK of turkey. Couldn't even look at it without feeling nauseous kind of sick. C kept buying it, I wouldn't eat it and it went bad. I've started back up, alternating with things like tuna salad, lean roast beef, and leftovers. Plus salads and soups.

My newest favorite sandwich, which is only five points on Weight Watchers is something out of Victorian England: a Sandwich Thin (3 pts), two wedges of Laughing Cow cheese (1 pt each)--the other day I used garlic & herb, and slices of cucumber. Delicious, satisfying and fun, since it was so different. The rest of the cucumber I ate on the side. [We have many since they are finally coming in...]

Then there's the matter of storage. Luckily, my office only has about 45 people in it and we have a full sized fridge in our kitchenette. Obviously tons of food won't fit (unlike some of my coworkers who have gone grocery shopping at lunch) but I can always stash a yogurt, cheese, some fruit & veggies, hummus, etc. Recently at work, I've had Greek yogurt (more protein & less sugar than regular), nectarines, apples, baby carrots, raw sugar snap peas, hummus, pre-packaged cheddar cheese cuts. Plus anything I bring from home.

If you've also got a fridge at work, great! Use it to its fullest extent, but please be mindful of your coworkers--make sure you don't take up too much room, throw out old food, and be neat. If you don't have access to a fridge, you can still eat healthy. The climate of each workplace is vastly different, but some produce can be left out if you don't have a fridge or if there isn't much space--apples are good, tomatoes are as well. I've even left out a peach or nectarine for a day or two to ripen.

Additionally, get an insulated bag and some of those freezable packs and you're ready to go. I bought mine at Walmart, years ago for less than $10. It's so big, I can put a 6 pack in there. I don't use mine very often, since my ride is a half hour and I make my lunch right before I leave. I figure the car ride won't make anything spoil. On days where I have appointments prior to work, and going straight in from there, I pack my bag and don't have to worry about my salad wilting in a hot car.

Speaking of my car, I find that I need to keep snacks in there, in case I have a dip in my blood sugar. Snacks can also help you stay on track, if you're attempting to eat healthy or lose weight. Ever try to find a suitable snack while at a gas station? Even the packages of nuts aren't that great for you, especially if a bag contains 3 servings. It's so easy to wolf down the entire thing, and you've just consumed 500+ calories! Which brings me to another point...

Avoiding traps
My last job, working in a bookstore with an in-store cafe was DANGEROUS. A cookie or a scone was always a stairwell away. Then I came to my current company, where I got used to not having food around. I had to go out, even for a soda. Four years went by, then we got a vending machine. For a long time, I avoided it, but one day I caved. And then caved again. It was SO easy, and I always had change. I've managed to break the habit again, but it's always there...

Solution: having snacks at your desk or nearby, and definitely in your car, as I mentioned above. Besides what I keep in our fridge at work, I also always have a can of soup in my desk, in case my lunch ends up terrible, or I forgot it at home, or have to work late and am starving. I think I also have some oatmeal packets and a Special K bar or two.

It's tough when you want to eat healthy and/or "whole foods" as possible, but you are on the go. Carrying fresh fruit is a challenge! My go-to fruits have been apples or bananas, since bananas are wrapped already and apples are a bit more durable than other fruits. Summer time is when all of the easy damaged fruits are in season--berries, peaches, nectarines--I've managed to wrap them up in wads of paper towels, and they've been unscathed but that can be wasteful. Sometimes, I'll use a clean, dry dishcloth to protect the fruit. Baby carrots are good for a purse or bag, as well.

In the cooler months, I was keeping Special K bars or cereal bars in my car, but now that it's summer, things melt. My summer snack will be raisins and unsalted peanut, portioned out into baggies. I made some today; it felt like I was creating party favors! There's 2 tablespoons of raisins and 3 tablespoons of peanuts in there, for 6 points. That's almost what some of my sandwiches are, but if I need it, they are there in the car for me.

I keep mentioning Special K bars; no, I am not being paid for this endorsement. They have been a life saver for me. Only 90 calories, portable, individually wrapped. There are better options out there, but with more calories; maybe something by Kashi with a bit more protein? Those are stashable, too. I avoid them only because I have an almond sensitivity and they really like using almonds. I used to like eating them...

I hope my tips and tricks are useful to you! Remember, as I said in the beginning, healthy eating isn't just about what you put in your mouth. It's about making time to eat, eating good food, and avoiding traps. No matter what your reason is for wanting to be healthier, it can be done with a little planning ahead and preparation.

Good luck!

Hopping in quickly...

Ohhh, I just made a pun...

I wanted to keep track of my progress here since last Saturday I posted about some changes. When I weighed in this morning, I only lost 0.3# (slightly disappointed since I cut out my morning Dunkin Donuts runs).

In good news, I lost 1/2 inch from my hips! I'll take that :)

I also took Friday off, as the first real vacation day in...forever. One where I wasn't needing to go anywhere, didn't have people coming over to work on anything. I slept in late, got lunch with the hubs, visited with his grandmother for a few hours, relaxed, hubs cooked us a great & healthy dinner, then off to a super late movie. We saw Super 8, which was really good, but the ending was sort of...huh? Oh, and the ONLY housework stuff I did was vacuum the upstairs before dinner only because it was bothering me. And folded a load of laundry. Nothing too strenuous.

AND I DIDN'T CHECK MY WORK EMAIL!!!!!!

Anyway, I'm off to get my hair cut--love my newish salon, but don't like that it's 1/2 hr away--but wanted to post as soon as I weighed/measured this morning. Have a great Saturday!

Odd turn of events

Last Thursday, I had a job interview. The night before, I was feeling rather hesitant, and not really sure why. The interview went fairly well, I thought, and if anything, I thought that if they didn't hire me, it might have been because I was slightly over qualified. I sent very nice thank you notes over the weekend, and was going to follow up this week.

Yesterday morning, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was the HR lady from the company where I'd interviewed, and with whom I'd first met. (She was working from home that day, so the call wasn't the company's main number, which I would have recognized.) I knew right away that I didn't get the job, without her saying more than "we've concluded our interview process." She went on to say that they had made their selection, and she even told me that I was the top candidate after the one who got the job--the person they hired had more technical print book experience than I did. She also told me that they enjoyed meeting me very much and to keep an eye on postings at the company, and hopefully she'd see me again someday.

Many people might be super bummed getting this kind of news, but I was OKAY. I wasn't bummed. I didn't get upset. In fact, it was slightly relieving to know that I didn't have to make a choice! Since I was at work, I couldn't say much to her, but her end of the phone call was honestly one of the best rejection calls I've ever received. In fact, it might have been the only one I've received--just impersonal letters and emails. I thanked her for calling and said "I just have to say that I appreciate you taking the time to let me know." She said something about how she's been on the other side and doesn't want to leave anyone hanging. I wish all HR people and hiring managers followed this practice. I'm sure it's not fun to call people and say "hey, you didn't get the job!" but it is the right thing. I might follow up with an email, just to say thanks again. I had to be so "cryptic" since I was at my desk, I might have come off slightly robotic, lol.

Then we had our health insurance meeting. I went into the room, steeling myself for the inevitable, and when I opened the packet to view the prices...THEY WERE LOWER. For EVERY plan. Finally, someone saw the light and contacted OTHER insurance brokers! We'd been using the same guy for years, and I think he's a modern-day snake oil salesman. My father had used him when my family business needed benefits and was highly displeased with the guy. The new broker is great, the representative from the insurance company was super, too. We won't be with the same company anymore, but I had been on this new company years ago when I worked at a different job.

Now to pick a plan... There are four plans to choose from--HSA, POS, and two HMOs. Yes, they are all lower than what we're currently paying (for almost identical coverage), but there is one that would be HALF as much as what we're currently paying. Before Turtle was laid off, the plan was to go on his company's insurance since it would have been cheaper. That option had been removed from the table, and I wasn't looking forward to going into this meeting to find out that we'd have to pay MORE. It is such a relief to know that isn't what we're facing, and we have the potential to have up to $200 extra a month in our pockets. (We currently pay $441 every two weeks, for two people--just thankful that two people aren't considered a "family" plan.)

I keep thinking that there might be a reason for me to stay at this job. I don't know what it is yet. My boss drives me up the wall, and most days I don't even talk to him, but I am getting to do more and more, I have a lot of responsibility, and I'm actually thinking about asking for a title change pretty soon. I'm thinking July, since it'll be six months since my old boss left. I have stepped up a lot, I have a lot of "freedom," and my relationship with the owners has grown SO much.

My only concern was/is how they'd handle me being pregnant and going on maternity leave. We have our first pregnant employee now (we'll call her Mary, ha) and they haven't been as flexible as I'd hoped they'd be. Mary has worked at our company a few months longer than me, too. I don't know if it's because of her department head (he's kinda jerky and VERY SERIOUS) or if it's the nature of her workload, but I know she hoped for something different. I also know that they can't do more for one than they did another, so...I just hope that they will change a bit once her baby is here.

Another coworker (who is very good friends w/ Mary) and I were talking about what Mary had asked for, what the company was going to do/not do, and our thoughts were similar--while we know that you can't get everything you want, it's still better for the company to treat a pregnant employee super well. Who's to say that she isn't searching now? Or won't search while on leave if she can find something that works better with her new life as a mom? If Mary were to leave, for any reason, the company would have to spend time and money looking for someone to take her place, train them, get them up to speed. During that time, the rest of the department would feel that pinch, people would be stressed. It's common sense. If I were a company owner and had someone who'd been working for me long-term, like Mary or myself, I'd make it so I could keep them around as long as possible. Yes, everyone is replaceable, pretty much, but when you look at the bigger picture, I'd rather keep an awesome employee and let her work 2 days a week from home, vs. losing her and having to start over from scratch. (I don't really know what she asked for, but that might be something I would ask for!)

When I look at my own job duties and what I know, I've been in my department the longest. I know a LOT of random stuff that you just can't teach someone. Besides, the owners don't know all of what I know! I'm valuable! I hope that when my time comes, if I happen to still be there, they will see my value and want to work with me. I do have the advantage of having one of the owners as head of my department--the wife of the couple who owns our company--and they have two kids. Maybe that will be my ace?

Ever feel like you'll never get a break?

I do.

On Facebook, I keep seeing women who are stay at home moms talking about how they are going on vacation and little trips--both with and without their families. So first, they get to stay home, which I know is not all fun and games--and that's not my point. It's the traveling and getting to do what they want!

Meanwhile, here I am, working my butt off every day. We have no children. Usually people in our shoes travel as much as they can. We haven't gone on vacation since September/October 2007. Yes, our honeymoon. We did go to Philadelphia for a long weekend for our 1st anniversary, even though Turtle was laid off. We were going to go to Cape Cod this summer since my aunt has a house there, but now he's laid off again.

What are we doing wrong? Oh wait, I know, my husband got laid off. One woman's husband has been laid off too, yet they've gone to Hawaii twice and in the winters were skiing in Vermont every weekend. (I'm pretty sure her parents retired to VT & they have other family in Hawaii, which of course takes care of lodging, so I will give her a pass, I think.)

I KNOW that there's more than meets the eye with most people. And I know it's Facebook, where things can be embellished. These people could be charging up the wazoo on credit cards or get hand-outs from Mom & Dad. But still, I feel like I work SO hard and have very little down time or anything enjoyable. Especially now that I'm the sole earner. All of the pressure is on me.

I'd like a break, please.

I haven't taken a "real" vacation day, even one to just sit around my house, in....I don't know how long. The last vacation day I had was for Easter (Good Friday). My other time off in 2011 was for my friend's wedding and Turtle's wisdom teeth surgery. Before that, my vacation time was used for my grandfather's funeral in October, my hand surgery in April (2010) and other days/hours for physical therapy. I only get 2 weeks of vacation and until this year, only 3 sick days. (We now get 4.) I can't even call out sick as a mental health day since there's too much work to be done and I have no back up. I come home, tired and cranky. I can't even make my home a refuge--doing fun things after work and on weekends--because there's stuff piling up since I'm too tired. It's a vicious cycle. You'd think we had 6 kids for how much laundry needs to be done and put away. The dishes...oy. And the cleaning? It's embarrassing and horrible, but there's a room that was never properly cleaned...and we've lived here for over 18 months now. (There is a newly constructed division of labor now that Turtle's home all day, which I will blog about soon, but the home is the woman's domain, no matter how sexist that sounds. I am better at it. It's true! Yet I can't even get myself together.)

Ahh, the life of leisure...to do what I want, when I want. Not necessarily idleness, just activities that have a personal purpose. Maybe in retirement? If I live that long.

Mixed emotions

Tomorrow is my interview, but I don't want to go. I don't know why. I've never been this apathetic about an interview--I don't get many opportunities. Is it because last time I got my hopes WAY too high? Is it because I'm scared that if I were to take a new job, it wouldn't be safe as where I am now?

I don't know.

I'm also a bit annoyed at the dress code changes that have been reinforced since the warm weather appeared. I believe a super strict dress code is equal to treating employees like children, especially when things that were acceptable a year ago are no longer considered as such. It's even more difficult when your income has been slashed in half. Although you try to look for things on sale, you still end up spending more money than you want. Especially with shoes. I don't know if shoes have changed, or if something is wrong with my feet, but I went to THREE shoe stores this weekend, all with a large variety, and had a difficult time finding something that 1) was appropriate per our dress code 2) that fit comfortably and 3) didn't cost too much. I ended up with 2 pairs of Born sandal/shoes (I don't know what you'd call them and I can't find a picture right now) but they were about $65 each. More than I wanted to spend but I was desperate since my only pair of summer shoes were now inappropriate.

Also regarding the shoes: sandals aren't OK unless they have a heel. Way to be discriminatory. What if you can't wear heels due to back or leg problems? I get no flip flops--I would never have worn them to work, but jeez, it's pretty bad when you say "no sandals" but "open-toed shoes are acceptable." They can be interchangeable sometimes. It's confusing. No wonder my coworker took pictures of her shoes and emailed them to HR, asking which were OK. That was gutsy of her, but I hope it proved a point. We're not in a warehouse or a dangerous environment.

(The dress code situation doesn't make me want to leave. I get that the company wants to show a more professional appearance to the outside world. I just wish it wasn't so drastic that almost everything I wore last summer is now taboo. Even knee-length shorts! But a girl could wear a skirt short enough to show off her...you know, and that would be okay. The men are also upset that last year they could wear neat, clean khaki-type shorts and a polo shirt, and now cannot.)

In other news, I got gas for $3.97 yesterday :) and had a pretty good day at work today. :)

Where I've been

I didn't think I'd disappear from blogging for over a week. I was making such good progress at keeping this up to date.

Here's what's been going on in our house for the past few weeks and what's been keeping me from blogging.

1) Turtle got laid off. At first, it was just a threat of a possible layoff. Then it was definitely coming, just didn't know when. Then, it happened. It'll be 2 weeks this Thursday since his last day. I'll be writing more about this over the next few days since I am now an expert at being the wife of a laid off individual. (Yes, this is not the first time he's been laid off.)

2) I went to New York on business. Given that you all know that I work in publishing, it's really no big secret as to why. BookExpo America was last week, which is the biggest trade show for the publishing industry.

3) I won an iPad while I was in NYC--it was a giveaway at one of the events I attended. No, I am not typing this entry from there. I wish! It's arriving in a few weeks, since it was ordered following the giveaway. I didn't get any other free stuff that one might get at a trade show. Besides booze and food, I mean. :-)

4) Our gardens are coming along amazingly. Pictures to come! Our main vegetable garden is doing great, our vegetable garden behind our garage (just beans & peas) are sprouting already, the perennials we planted around the house have transplanted well. I even got Turtle to dig out the area around our mailbox and planted perennials there as well.

5) I've been casually searching for a new job for the past few months, even with DH's job situation on the fence. Oddly enough, while in NYC, no sooner than a half hour before I won the iPad, I got a call from another local publisher about an interview, which I scheduled for this week. I will not be jumping ship from my current job unless the offer is wonderfully awesome, because of DH's unemployment. We'll see how this goes.

6) Our firewood pile fell over. The pile made it through the feet of snow we received over the winter, a blizzard with 60+ MPH winds, heavy spring rains...and what happens? After planting Friday night, DH sits in a lawn chair, maybe 50 ft from it, and looks at it. Five seconds later, it came crashing to the ground. Good times. We rebuilt our racks, re-stacked the wood, and it should be good to go. But who likes re-work?!

Comparing--there's often more than meets the eye

(Warning: this is super long and a wee bit graphic, medically-speaking.)

In the Sunday edition of our local paper, there was a story about a young man who was finally graduating college two years after a horrible accident. He was a senior when he was hit by a car as a pedestrian. That's the same thing that happened to my husband (minus the senior in college part, he was 27).

The article listed his physical injuries in minimal detail--two punctured lungs, a punctured bladder, a ruptured spleen, broken bones, etc. The writer chose to focus more on the fact that the young man suffered a traumatic brain injury, which made it that much harder to pass the few courses he had left in order to graduate, rather than the other physical damage that he suffered or how it was treated. He was completing his studies online, from home, as his hometown was a few hours away from the college, which made it even that much more difficult. (Note: I'm not downplaying the fact that the writer didn't get into the gory details, you'll see where I'm going in a second.)

As I read the article, of course, my mind flew back to 2004, when my not-then husband was in a similar situation as this young man. They were both sedated into comas, they both had parts of them that needed to be constantly reopened and washed out. The young man in the story had such horrible issues with his lungs, the doctors used Velcro to hold him together, but be able to open him up when the organs needed cleaning. Guess who else had Velcro, but much later? And he was conscious during that experience. It's not pleasant when a fabric notion is holding your body together, by the way. Guess how they attach it to you? With the glue of 1,000 BandAids. God help you when it's time to change the dressing. Especially if you have any body hair in that area.

Back to the story. There were pictures to accompany it, naturally. There you see a 24 year old young man, in what looks like prime physical condition. Six pack abs that The Situation would be proud of. Sure, the scars are visible, but there is no mention as to what this guy needed done. Did he have an ostomy for that bladder puncture? Does he have weakened chest muscles from the open cavity? How are those broken bones? There's mention of how he studies martial arts to help him with his balance and coordination. One might be quick to say "Whoa, this guy had all of that happen to him???? Look at him! He looks great!!!"

But we're not his parents, we're not his girlfriend (who stuck by his side during all of this; I would love to talk with her), we're not his friends. We're not him either. Remember, when you have a traumatic brain injury, sometimes you're not the same person you were before the accident. Sometimes your emotions have changed, the little things bother you more than they ever did. Often times, what you used to know or do isn't there anymore. People go from amazing doctors to being the patients. From being an award-winning teacher to learning to have to do every life skill over again.

This young man had to go to intensive rehab after he was medically stable. Walking, talking, etc. had to be learned all over again. He still doesn't drive.

I finished the article with mixed thoughts. My first thought was that he was indeed so lucky to be alive and as well as he appears to be. Then I thought, what was that article NOT saying? What are his real hurdles? What can't he do now, what will he never be able to do again? All of my thoughts came from someone who was as close to a similar situation as one can be without being the sick and injured one. Because I know that someone can be "all better" and not be all better.

And then I thought something else. I was going to save the article to show my husband for when he got down about his body, his pain, his life that has changed now that he was hit by a car as a pedestrian. In a "hey, look at this guy!" kind of way. To make him look at worse situations out there, because THANK GOD, his brain was not harmed at all in his accident (mental anguish aside, that is). He does get down about things a lot; his entire life changed after the accident, right down to the clothes he wears, the exercise he can do, and the jobs that he can work at in the future, especially after one long-term layoff and another layoff looming. It changed the dynamic of our little family unit.

Then I thought better. How can I diminish the pain and the suffering (oh, how cliche) that he went through? I can't. I will neverbe able to. Even though I was right there by his side, coming to the ICU daily for three weeks straight, I will never fully understand what goes on in his mind. Showing him someone who, objectively speaking, probably did have it worse won't help him with what he went through. What each of us experience is subjective. It's our story, belonging to no one else. As I've just pointed out, even two people who went through the same thing still have their own feelings and thoughts. If I showed my husband the newspaper story, it wouldn't erase the past 7 years. It wouldn't take away the comments from ignorant people who 1) either don't know him at all [yes, total stranger have made lovely jabs at him] or 2) don't know the situation fully, and it's really none of their business. It wouldn't change how he was treated when he went back to work, practically demoted, then laid off when it seemed "convenient." (He was hurt on the job) It wouldn't erase the truth of what he faces every day--and it's not just the scar that divides his abdomen or the scar tissue that has distorted his belly.

Even though they look completely different with their shirts off, both my husband and this young man have scars that no one will ever see, and thoughts that no one will possibly ever be able to fully understand. Sure, I (and the girlfriend) can empathize, can be supportive, can be as loving as possible, and we'll never be at the same place as these men. And this is why it is dangerous to compare. Or to use someone's story as a benchmark for your reactions to your story.

Our stories are what make up our lives. The way we react to life events is appropriate, because it is ours. If we cannot control what happens in our lives, the most we can hope for is the ability to react in the way we want. If people try to get you to think differently, or to look at another person's situation, does it really help? Maybe for a short time, but not indefinitely.

I'm a little embarrassed that I was going to show that to my husband. The intent was good, but I do need to remember that I have no idea about what it is like to be him, and I shouldn't press things upon him. The same goes for everyone else, from family to friends to coworkers to strangers. I have no idea what their lives are truly like, and vice versa.

What can we do? Listen. Offer support. Don't push for details. Don't rush to solve the problem (or attempt to). I have to remember these things too--I am far from perfect. Hopefully no one reading this will ever be in similar situations as Turtle & I were, or this young man and his family were, but maybe my story can help during smaller, less severe crises.

Sometimes I wonder...

if I'm meant to be where I am, and whether I should just stop trying to change or move on from situations that I'm in. Maybe I'm "fighting" too much? Trying too hard? I don't want to sound defeatist, because I don't really feel that way. Instead, perhaps I should put my energies and focus towards something that can be changed.

If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about work. Although, the "trying too hard" could be applied to many situations. Anyone who knows me (or reads here) knows that my job makes me pretty miserable. I have had worse jobs, so I know this isn't the worst it could be.

To help myself not go absolutely crazy, I have been spending time looking for a new job. I updated my resume, I scan the online ads when I get a free minute and am not at work since they blocked the job sites (SMART!), I have signed up for the alerts of new postings--both in pursuit of finding something to apply for. I'm hopeful. But in the past few weeks, I've only found 3 or 4 jobs that 1) I could actually do and 2) seem interesting enough that I wouldn't be wasting anyone's time by applying. For a while, I was pretty gung-ho about applying. "I'm smart, I know a lot of things, I can do more/better," was what I told myself and others. People believed in me. I believed in me. While positivity and high self-esteem is good for job hunting, it can slow down when the opportunities are less plentiful. And then you feel like you'll never find anything.

When I'm at work, I complain about certain things that will probably never change, or get so angry with and frustrated by my idiot boss that I get a headache. I'm not joking--he's nice, but is a horrible manager, can't get anything done, he would be better off as the "boss" of his own stuff, and not have a department to manage. I really don't know why the owners of my company hired him.

I get mad at the owners for their inconsistencies, for making us pay SO much for health insurance, for not realizing that we are people. But do any of my wishes or questions or comments really change anything? Am I trying too hard in this regard? Maybe I would be better off to just stay still, be quiet, and do my job.

Am I meant to be here? Is there a lesson to be learned from this? I've been at my current job almost 5 years, and for the most part, have been unhappy most of this time. On and off, I've looked for a new job, but during this time, we had a devastating economic bust, including my own husband being laid off for a year and a half. He's facing another layoff. It's a long, complicated story, that might not end up in a layoff, but that's anyone's guess right now. We're both looking, but no bites as of yet.

I know, I'm lucky to have a job. And I'm not working in horrible conditions. I could be a migrant worker, who has to travel around to find work with no guarantees, or I could live in a country that has very few labor laws. But I don't want to be here.

I once had a job that I loved, but the pay was terrible. I hated leaving that place, although I'm sure that had I stayed, I wouldn't still be there. I am 100% positive that I would have been laid off eventually. And where did I go when I left there? To my current place. And it's like I can't get out.

I do feel trapped at times, and scared that I'll never find something that I love, that makes me happy and that is worth my time (pays well enough). I have been working since I was 13, first babysitting constantly, then when I was old enough to get a "real job," I did. Some summers while I was in college, I had multiple jobs. Am I worked out? I don't think so. It's not that I'm lazy, perhaps it's just that I haven't found the right fit. But, I've tried grad school three times. I have enough graduate level credits to get a master's...if only all of the credits were in the same field! And to switch fields or to try anything new is difficult if you don't have schooling or other training to make you look like a stronger candidate. "Where's your experience?" "How do you qualify for basket weaving, if you've spent the past 10 years making bottle caps?" That stuff.

Lately, our thoughts and discussions have drifted to "when we have kids." Of course, my health is still the primary barrier that's keeping us from starting a family. But there have been some financial factors as well. This might sound crazy, but sometimes I think that the reason I can't find a better job is because I'm not meant to be working for much longer ;-) Sometimes I feel like that thought is a cop out. Even though I would MUCH prefer to leave the "working world" and devote my time and energy to things closer to home. I always joke with people that what I love doing and what I'm good at are things that generally don't pay well.

Speaking of things I love and am good at, time to make dinner.