Saturday, January 5, 2013

Am I a failure?

It's been over a month since I last blogged. Ironic, when I'd said before that I'd have more time to blog.

It's not like I have a job that keeps me away from home or blocks/tracks my internet usage. I don't have a job at all.

I've applied for ONE job. Just one. It wasn't even a full time position. It was at the university I worked at when I first got out of college, at their publishing house. I haven't heard back yet. I've seen other jobs that might be OK, but they aren't what I want to do. That's right, I don't really know what I want to do. I'm afraid to work again, at full time job, for a lot of reasons.

The house is not picked up, nor is it spotless. There are still piles of laundry to be put away, dishes to be done, floors to mop. I have lists of projects and things to do that are going un-done. I never got on any schedule.

We didn't decorate our Christmas tree. I set it up, and put the lights on, but we never got around to the ornaments. Chris was sick in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and on Christmas Day. It wasn't the same this year. We didn't even attend Divine Liturgy or Mass at Christmas, since Chris was sick and I didn't want to go to church by myself.

I worked at my company for over six years, and became quite friendly with almost everyone. Yet so many people never reached out to say they were sorry to hear about what happened. It's like I never existed. I don't know if they are scared to talk to me, or feel awkward about bringing the subject up, but it's lonely. As much as I might have been unhappy with my position, I enjoyed almost all of the people I saw every day. I guess we weren't as good of friends as I had thought.

Many people suggested that I try to do what I was doing at my job, on my own, as a little business. I've had some interest (and made some money) but then it feels like they might want more from me than I'm capable of, or we aren't connecting...or just something isn't right. I don't know if I'm lacking confidence, or I'm scared of success (and failure), or if it's not a good fit. I'd love to work from my house, doing what I love, on my OWN terms, but then I think "do I have enough years behind me to look credible enough?"

I've been out of work for 40 days. (I just counted, I didn't realize this before I started this post.) The irony. Noah's flood was 40 days. Lent is 40 days. Yet, I don't think any miracles will await me tomorrow.

I guess I could turn things around and ask myself what I have done over the past 40 days.

I have:
  • hung up pictures and other objects that have been waiting for a long time
  • finally visited both libraries in my town (only took 3 years of living here!)
  • listened to 3 audiobooks (and almost done with number 4)
  • filed for unemployment, dealt with being on hold with them many times, got through a hearing, and am now collecting
  • reached out to former bosses and other colleagues to let them know about what happened
  • traveled with my mom to my aunt's house on Cape Cod for a long weekend with "just the girls" (two other aunts joined us, and my three girl cousins were supposed to, but they were busy with school and part time jobs)
  • updated my resume, just in case
  • continued to keep expenses low by not wasting food or buying more than we need, keeping our wood stove going so that we don't burn oil (we can get free firewood, oil not so much), planning out my errands to coincide with gym appointments, among other things...I type this as I have a stack of bills that need to be paid, but that's life, working or not
  • gone to the gym three times a week...and am trying to start running
  • lost weight and inches
  • considered going to see a NaPro doctor regarding my obvious fertility issues (not that we've tried to conceive, far from it) but things are supposed to happen...and they haven't, so I'm pretty sure something is wrong
  • paid more attention to my cats than I have in a long time
  • contacted potential clients for my business, and as I mentioned before, I have actually been paid for some of my efforts...not much, but it's something
  • cleaned out and reorganized two closets
  • started to reorganize our kitchen cabinets, including purging the extra knives, bowls, etc, in order to reduce clutter and streamline things
  • cooked healthier food, and experimented with healthier versions of our favorite things
  • accompanied Chris to doctor's appointments
  • spent more time with my mom than I have in awhile
  • slept better than I have in a LONG TIME and am not stressed nor distracted
Yet, why do I focus on what hasn't been accomplished? Why do most of us tend to do this?  Are we truly failures if we accomplish something, even if it wasn't on our original "to do list?"


  1. You are very emphatically NOT a failure. You've accomplished some things that have needed to get done. That's success in itself. You're laying groundwork for changes right now which isn't going to look impressive until the results from that groundwork appear. Don't let Satan or anyone else tell you that you are failing!


    1. Thanks Jen. I's too easy to let other voices get in our heads and make us feel like crap if we don't have every box on our list ticked off.

  2. You are so not a failure! I don't know why we give ourselves such impossible burdens to carry, but we are not failures if we don't have it all figured out as to where we are going with our lives. It sounds to me that you are succeeding at a lot of things!

    1. Thanks, CM! I hope so! I'm trying...I don't know why we all do this either. It's rather self-defeating, right?


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