Two years (and an overall update)

Today (well, it was today [Wednesday] when I started this post, now it was yesterday) is the two year anniversary of our house closing. Wow. To use a cliche, time really does fly.

On the left side of my blog here, you can see what we've done over the past two years. Everyone who told us "home ownership is never-ending," you were right! I've always got a to-do list going and we are always thinking of the next season, the next project, etc. In fact, I just added a few more items to the "things we've done" list AND the "things to do" list after typing my previous sentence. Our garden has been ripped out and plowed down, but C is thinking about what to plant next year. I have bulbs to plant, BUT I noticed we have some mysterious holes around the house...almost like a little critter is looking for something. Do I want to give them free food if I plant the bulbs?

Some things will need professional help, other things we can do on our own. This house is starting to feel more and more like OURS, which is great. While I'm itchy to work on them, I still have to be prudent with my time, money and energy; what's smart to do when, what will need more money then we have on hand, that sort of thing. Thankfully, C is better with that sort of strategizing than I am!

Onto my update...

As you may have seen a few posts back, C went back to work! He is now working an hour from home, versus his old half hour commute, for the same money and same position. Honestly, it was NOT ideal, and actually, in a word, sucks, but he had no other options. For all the applications and networking he was doing this time around, he wasn't getting any bites. I never shared the story of how he landed this job. He didn't apply for it; they came looking for him. Following the hurricane (I first typed earthquake, I have NO idea why!), a guy who he'd worked with briefly at his old job (he filled in for C's old boss for a time) called. He had an opening at HIS facility and was wondering if C was interested. There was a lot of back and forth, especially as he wasn't an internal candidate but not really an external one, and everyone wanted to make sure the hiring process was on the up and up, but he started three weeks ago, and already things are changing!

Not only does C drive an hour each way, he has a weird schedule. M 8-4, T 12-8, W 9-5, R 12-8, F 9-5. This also isn't fun, since C can't get on a good sleep schedule, we can't get on track with other things, it's just not good. But we've dealt with it because, you need to work. One night last week, I was cooking dinner (yes, I reluctantly resumed this task, even though C is sooooo much better at it!) on one of the late nights, and I thought "it would be lovely if he could just find a job closer to home." It wasn't a prayer, at least to me, but someone heard me. The next day, C emailed me with news that there was a possibility of him getting a transfer to a facility in the closest city. Only a 20 minute drive!!!!!

The catch: a new schedule. The time was fixed, 8-4 every day, but it would be Sunday-Thursday. This had been a possibility with another
job awhile ago, but C wasn't offered the job. We'd talked with our priest back then, who told us that we needed to do what was best for our
family. The great thing about being Catholic, you can go to church on Saturday nights, and while our church doesn't have a Saturday liturgy, our sister parish does, which is the same distance from our house as the other church! So we knew we had a way to deal with the religious aspect of our life, even though it wasn't perfect. We've grown to love this parish and to feel at home. I know we will be missed, and we feel crappy for not being able to make it work. We will pop in for holy days as well as if C's schedule should change.

If C were to stay at the far away job, we were looking at buying a third car that was better on gas, since his current car isn't great on gas, but is paid off. I wasn't happy about that idea, especially since the company wasn't budging on more money for him. Why should we have to work harder to make this work? Now we won't have to buy anything, and will be saving money with less gas being used. He'll also be home sooner and won't be as tired when he gets home. We will also be able to get more of a routine down, which will be much better for me, as I thrive with structure. Our "new" church, which is actually the parish C grew up in, is close by to his grandmother's house. She's in her early 80s and is just starting to slow down; seeing her at liturgy each Saturday, and being able to stop over afterwards to help her with something is an added bonus. It's not only good for the family in this house, but the extended family. C will work at his current locale until 11/16, then he's taking an unpaid vacation for hunting season, and will start at the new place the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I have more to update on, but this was/is the biggest news and I figured I owed my few followers the story about what happened!

Something I don't get (food)

(If you're friends with me on Facebook, yes, this is my current status, so no, you're not seeing things)

What's awkward: when you're heating up your lunch and someone compliments you on it, then you say something like "thanks! leftovers from the other night" but that's not the end of it. Then they share what they had for dinner last night, which was something like fast food or sandwiches. I never understand this; are they trying to make me feel sorry for them? I've had this happen repeatedly, from different people. It was nothing elaborate* either--a chicken leg quarter (drumstick & thigh), sweet potato, and asparagus.

Why the need to comment on my food (or about yours) besides "that looks great" or "what are you having?" I didn't ask what you had. I don't know how to reply to your statement. Should I say "sorry" or "you can cook like this too?" Or just nod and smile?

One other thing: yes, I eat healthy MOST of the time. There's no need to proclaim that loudly in the kitchen or at the lunch table. I know I'm overweight, but guess what? I still like to try to eat healthy. I don't get why it's always so amazing to other people that some people like fruits and vegetables for lunch. I'm always thinking "okayyyy???"


*not elaborate to ME, I understand that some people out there are daunted by the oven! :)

So thankful

C got a job. He starts Monday, and will be actually going back to the company he'd previously worked for until May, when he was laid off. While we're happy, I'm not jumping up and down just yet. Longer post later, but I wanted to keep things over here as up-to-date as possible.

For those of you who prayed, thank you. Knowing that we had supporters on the spiritual side of things was awesome.

For those of you who checked in with me, thank you. Your friendship and care helped me through some dark days.

For those of you who just sent lots of good thoughts, thank you. I think positive energy can move across the miles.

For those of you who blew off my concerns and worries, I will pray for you, to learn sensitivity when people are going through rough times.

For those of you were mean to me or unsupportive, I am sorry that you lack kindness.

What we learned, and a different kind of aftermath (post-Irene)

What we learned:

1. Plan ahead, as much as you can. While there is NO WAY you can plan for everything in life (and yes, I'm saying this, as much as I like to control things), there are things you can do, especially when your area is being threatened by a serious storm.
2. Watch the weather. This goes with #1.
3. If you definitely know a storm is coming, start the preparations early. What C did on Thursday and Friday, before Irene, was good because it allowed us time to get last-minute things accomplished. Some things have to be left to the last minute, others just "happen." Doing as much as we could, ahead of time, really worked.
4. Have water on hand. Especially if you have a well. Or, know where you can get water for free. Besides our cemetery pump, there is a brook/river nearby, and we could have pulled toilet-flushing water from there. We had plenty of drinking water, and sadly you need more to flush a toilet!
5. Also, if you have a well, the SECOND the power goes out, your water is GONE. There's no "when the tank is empty, you're out of water." I hadn't realized that's what happens. I thought there was a holding tank where the water sat after it got pulled from the well. Not even HOT water was held in the "hot water tank." I was surprised but recovered quickly.
6. Conserve the water you DO have. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, we had one bathtub filled. We had 2 or 3 buckets filled in another bathroom. That all could be used for toilets, since the buckets had been used in the garden and probably weren't that pristine. But what about washing? We also had a big stock pot filled in the bathroom that had the buckets. Since the stock pot was super clean, that became the hand washing water. After using the bathroom, we rubbed liquid soap onto our hands, and rinsed in the stock pot water. We used that bathroom throughout the 2 days of no power; it was just easier. Toothbrushing was done with bottled water, but we didn't worry if the toothpaste "suds" didn't get washed down the drain. I could clean out the sinks AFTER the power was restored.
7. It's OK not to be green. We used disposable utensils, cups, and paper plates, since we had no water to do dishes. This didn't bother me that much since 95% of the time, we use reusable things in the kitchen. When we couldn't use disposable things (like the wok, for soup), we wiped food residue off of them with paper towels. This totally goes against how I live, but I didn't want the power to be off for a week (like it was in some places) and wind up with so much mold on dishes, that I needed to use a power washer to get it off.
8. It's OK to eat junk. Well, not really. We didn't sit around and eat chips and candy all weekend, we let the food in the house (mostly the fridge stuff) dwindle prior to the storm. Who wants to stock up with perishables, then lose power AND all of their purchases? So when C stocked up on Thursday, he bought things that could supplement the non-perishables we already had on hand. We also decided what could go in the cooler on ice. So it meant that we did eat pretzels, crackers, and cookies, but also leftover steak, apples, and tomatoes from the garden.
9. It's good to clean before storms hit. Then you can relax in your clean house, instead of worrying about the dirty floor and how you can't run the vacuum since there's no power :) Also, if you have a well, clean all of your toilets THOROUGHLY prior to a storm. Especially if you have to "let it mellow" every few trips.
10. That being said, don't let your house fall into chaos. Try to have a routine. I still cleaned the litter box, still swept the floor if it needed it. We still picked up our stuff after being done with things. It made for a much easier transition back to "real life" as we didn't have to stop everything and clean the house first.

A different kind of aftermath
As I mentioned in earlier posts, I had three days off from work (not counting weekends). I didn't ask my boss if we were being paid or not, and he didn't mention anything. I also spoke to one of the owners by phone and email, and nothing was mentioned. C told me not to be surprised if I wasn't paid for these days, but I said to him "don't be silly, they can't NOT pay us!"

Ha. Wrong. When we got into work on Thursday, nothing was said. Oh, and the power was ON when we got in, so we were full speed ahead. Finally, I asked my boss an indirect question of "what do we put on our timesheets for Monday through Wednesday?" He said he didn't know, that he'd find out, but "I'm SURE you'll be paid."

He was wrong, also. Now, we didn't find out the answer until LATE on Thursday afternoon, which was annoying enough. The answer was: take it unpaid, use PTO, or make it up over the next few weeks.

Wow. I was shocked. We're salaried employees, which means that even if you work 24 hours a day, for 14 days, when you get your paycheck, you're still only being paid for 80 hours. Why isn't it the same for when you work LESS than 80 hours? Especially as most of us work well over 80 as it is right now. My argument has always been, it all balances out eventually. (My boss agreed with me on that point.)

I might remind you that Thursday afternoon was the Thursday before Labor Day weekend. So this was putting a damper on some peoples' weekend plans, as those who wanted to make it up, wanted to do so as soon as possible. I was one of those people: the longer you wait to make up something, the more you're apt to have SOMETHING ELSE pop up. There were other people who had used up all of their vacation time for the year, and had no choice, other than taking it unpaid, and MOST people can't afford to do that.

What did I do? See below:

Monday 8-29: used a vacation day, after I found out that we had to make up the time
Tuesday 8-30: had worked 1 hour from home
Wednesday 8-31: had worked 4 hours from home
Thursday 9-1: worked 11 hours in the office
Friday 9-2: worked 12 hours in the office (at this point, my balance was 36 hours)
Saturday 9-3: off
Sunday 9-4: off
Monday 9-5: Labor Day, went in, worked 8 hours, also got 8 hours for the holiday
Tuesday 9-6: about 9.5 hours
Wednesday 9-7: about 9.5 hours
Thursday 9-8: about 9.5 hours
Friday 9-9: I know I worked 8 hours, 20 minutes. When I left at 5, I had 53 hours on my timesheet, or 45 hours of actual WORK.

Honestly, I don't remember the exact hours worked for Tuesday through Thursday, but I can figure out an average. It was a lot of extra work, even with a "free" 8 hours. In the end, between holiday, vacation and regular work, I had 89 hours for the pay period. And I was exhausted on Friday night. I had hoped to leave early, like around 3 or 4, but had to stay until 5. Sigh.

You might notice I have more than 40 hours of work per week. We're told to have an average of 42.5 hours a week, but no one's ever said what the average's span is, per year? Per pay period? I always assume it's pay period. I hope they're happy now.

Looking back, I feel that this entire things was handled rather poorly. My company should have said something right away when they first closed. I understand that we've never been in this situation before, but it's not THAT hard to say "no pay!" Also, I understand that they didn't know how long we'd be without power for, but I wonder what they would have done if we were closed for a week or longer? Who had THAT much vacation time, especially when we're not allowed to carry over more than a week from year to year?

On the other hand, I'm happy to still have a job. Not just because of economic reasons either. What if the building was damaged or destroyed? What if the owners were killed? (Which reminds me, I don't know if there is a contingency plan God forbid that were to happen!) I hope we are in the clear when it comes to hurricanes for the rest of this year, and now that winter is around the corner (as it's 75* today), I hope that we're spared from crazy winter storms like last year. At least last winter, we didn't lose power and could work from home ;-)

Taking care of me, or how being selfish can really be selfless

I'm a mess.

I'm okay, I'm feeling pretty well, I'm in a good mood. But I am a mess.

I don't take care of myself--emotionally or physically. I hear that women do this a lot; they take on the problems of everyone else, but forget to deal with their own stuff, and then they fall apart.

I have been doing this and if I don't knock it off, I'm going to fall apart.

I am stressed and feel overwhelmed at work. There is a lot to be done and there isn't always a lot of time. My department depends on other departments, and when they don't complete assignments or tasks, we can't complete our work. Pressure! There's also the issue of having to work more hours, with less staff. I'm finding that is common all over now, thankyouverymuch economy that's still in the crapper, but it doesn't make me, nor anyone else, feel better.

The added pressure of DH being out of work doesn't help. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I am responsible for the well-being of my family. We're nowhere near destitute, but if I lost my job, we'd lose our health insurance. THAT would be bad. So I feel pressure to do well at work, yet I can only do so much, and then I get worried when things aren't getting done, even though the problem is bigger than me. I haven't been spoken to, or warned, or anything else that might make me be on edge, but I don't like seeing my to-do list grow, or tasks getting shifted from day to day, then week to week, never getting crossed off. I don't think anyone likes this. So I worry.

I have gained weight over the past few months, when I should have been working on losing. Fortunately, I haven't had to buy any new clothes in bigger sizes. Where I'm gaining it is in "right" areas for now. That needs to stop. I am seriously overweight, yet I've been doing nothing about it. And I mean NOTHING. I come home, eat dinner, tend the gardens, come in, sit on my butt and watch TV/surf the web....and then eat again. NOT GOOD.

I have the "luxury" of having a husband home most of the day, which means that certain chores are no longer my duty. I used to arrive home first, and was responsible for dinner. I don't do that anymore. While cooking, I'd throw in a load of laundry--I don't do that anymore either. So there's really no excuse for me not to be picking up on other things around the house and with myself.

I need to take advantage of this time I have and do something about myself. It's time to be selfish. To tell Turtle, "I'm gonna skip out on [insert show here] tonight, I need to go to bed early so I can head in before everyone else." Or to force myself out of bed on a Saturday morning to jump on the treadmill.

If I am selfISH, perhaps eventually I will be in a better mind to be selfLESS.

Think about it this way. If I'm coming home, tired and stressed, how is that a benefit to my husband and my marriage? I have turned into a bitch because of my inability to work on what's bugging me.

Also, if I end up with MORE health issues, most of which COULD BE AVOIDED, I will have trouble giving any part of myself to others. I won't feel well, or can't do that because of [whatever]. How is that fair? What if my parents need my help when they get older? Or Turtle? I'll be needing people to take care of ME. I don't want to be an invalid, or die prematurely.

It started today.

I got up, went on the treadmill for 37 minutes. Ironically, Dr. Oz was on TV, doing a heart transplant. I am 31 and on high blood pressure meds. DO I WANT THAT TO BE ME SOMEDAY?

No.

I also joined Weight Watchers online. My coworker just signed up yesterday, and I'd thought about doing it for awhile, but kept putting it off. I've always done well with tracking food and portioning out...WHEN I REMEMBER TO DO IT.

My first goal is to lose 15 pounds. (They made it for me.) I think that's pretty reasonable.

As for work...the other day I did email my direct supervisor and department head a long list of everything I had to get done, along with an estimate of how long it would take to complete. This came out of our department needing to assist another department in testing some new website files. I thought, "I can't even get my own work done, how can I help them?" and my boss didn't really seem to understand where I was coming from. Hence, the email. He looked at it and suggested some areas to cut out. Doesn't mean I'm excused from them.

I'm feeling slightly better about that, but not 100%. Especially not when things took longer than expected (my estimates for creating an email in HTML from scratch were WAY off). I said 2-3 hours. Try over 5. And it's still not done. Ha!

I know what the problem is, in this case. It's the fact that my boss, while absolutely crazy and weird, doesn't manage. At. all. He's so hand's off, he has no clue what's going on, and takes on more work, on the department's behalf. Meaning: my coworker and I end up doing it. I want to grab him by the collar, and yell "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE HAVE GOING ON!!! STOP THE MADNESS!!!!"

But he'd probably give us his tight-lipped smile and nod, saying "okay!"

I'm not sure what to do going forward. We have weekly department meetings where we are supposed to go over the week ahead, what's pressing, what needs to be handled, but they are a joke, since all he does is gab away and show off his skills with social media metrics. That's not all we do! He's been with our company for 4 months and I don't think he knows what my coworker or I do. God help him if something happened to us or we left.

I need to do something, but I'm not sure what will be most effective.

What works best for me:

• Getting in early, before most of my coworkers. I need to be more consistent with this. It really helps me. There's less distraction, less chance of things going wrong. I can get my day off to a good start and get organized. (And then I can leave early, haha!) The benefit of flex time...and having a key to the building!
  

• Making a to-do list every afternoon before I leave. I have been doing this for awhile and it's helpful. I keep it in Word, so that I can quickly add things, but also, I can use the strike-out function to literally cross off completed tasks! At the end of each day, I can cut & paste the things that didn't get done to the next day's list.
  
  
• Plot out each week. I've also been doing this for awhile, as part of my to-do list. That way, if I know I have a consumer sales email to go out on Wednesday morning, I probably don't want to wait until Tuesday afternoon to start it.
  
  
• Being more upfront about what I've got going on. Not all of my work comes to me via my supervisor or department head. Some of my duties I've been doing for years, so it's as automatic as breathing. But they might not know/remember about those things...
  

I might need to have another chat with my my supervisor and/or department head, as much as I'm loathe to do so. The last one we had didn't go over so well, and I don't know if it was me not explaining myself clearly (I tend to clam up when around the "big" people) or them just not getting it. Sometimes I'm just floating in the ocean, by myself, so to speak, and I have to scramble to figure out how to get things done.

I really hope that I can be consistent with ALL of this. Food, exercise, work, sleep, fun stuff.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Odd turn of events

Last Thursday, I had a job interview. The night before, I was feeling rather hesitant, and not really sure why. The interview went fairly well, I thought, and if anything, I thought that if they didn't hire me, it might have been because I was slightly over qualified. I sent very nice thank you notes over the weekend, and was going to follow up this week.

Yesterday morning, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was the HR lady from the company where I'd interviewed, and with whom I'd first met. (She was working from home that day, so the call wasn't the company's main number, which I would have recognized.) I knew right away that I didn't get the job, without her saying more than "we've concluded our interview process." She went on to say that they had made their selection, and she even told me that I was the top candidate after the one who got the job--the person they hired had more technical print book experience than I did. She also told me that they enjoyed meeting me very much and to keep an eye on postings at the company, and hopefully she'd see me again someday.

Many people might be super bummed getting this kind of news, but I was OKAY. I wasn't bummed. I didn't get upset. In fact, it was slightly relieving to know that I didn't have to make a choice! Since I was at work, I couldn't say much to her, but her end of the phone call was honestly one of the best rejection calls I've ever received. In fact, it might have been the only one I've received--just impersonal letters and emails. I thanked her for calling and said "I just have to say that I appreciate you taking the time to let me know." She said something about how she's been on the other side and doesn't want to leave anyone hanging. I wish all HR people and hiring managers followed this practice. I'm sure it's not fun to call people and say "hey, you didn't get the job!" but it is the right thing. I might follow up with an email, just to say thanks again. I had to be so "cryptic" since I was at my desk, I might have come off slightly robotic, lol.

Then we had our health insurance meeting. I went into the room, steeling myself for the inevitable, and when I opened the packet to view the prices...THEY WERE LOWER. For EVERY plan. Finally, someone saw the light and contacted OTHER insurance brokers! We'd been using the same guy for years, and I think he's a modern-day snake oil salesman. My father had used him when my family business needed benefits and was highly displeased with the guy. The new broker is great, the representative from the insurance company was super, too. We won't be with the same company anymore, but I had been on this new company years ago when I worked at a different job.

Now to pick a plan... There are four plans to choose from--HSA, POS, and two HMOs. Yes, they are all lower than what we're currently paying (for almost identical coverage), but there is one that would be HALF as much as what we're currently paying. Before Turtle was laid off, the plan was to go on his company's insurance since it would have been cheaper. That option had been removed from the table, and I wasn't looking forward to going into this meeting to find out that we'd have to pay MORE. It is such a relief to know that isn't what we're facing, and we have the potential to have up to $200 extra a month in our pockets. (We currently pay $441 every two weeks, for two people--just thankful that two people aren't considered a "family" plan.)

I keep thinking that there might be a reason for me to stay at this job. I don't know what it is yet. My boss drives me up the wall, and most days I don't even talk to him, but I am getting to do more and more, I have a lot of responsibility, and I'm actually thinking about asking for a title change pretty soon. I'm thinking July, since it'll be six months since my old boss left. I have stepped up a lot, I have a lot of "freedom," and my relationship with the owners has grown SO much.

My only concern was/is how they'd handle me being pregnant and going on maternity leave. We have our first pregnant employee now (we'll call her Mary, ha) and they haven't been as flexible as I'd hoped they'd be. Mary has worked at our company a few months longer than me, too. I don't know if it's because of her department head (he's kinda jerky and VERY SERIOUS) or if it's the nature of her workload, but I know she hoped for something different. I also know that they can't do more for one than they did another, so...I just hope that they will change a bit once her baby is here.

Another coworker (who is very good friends w/ Mary) and I were talking about what Mary had asked for, what the company was going to do/not do, and our thoughts were similar--while we know that you can't get everything you want, it's still better for the company to treat a pregnant employee super well. Who's to say that she isn't searching now? Or won't search while on leave if she can find something that works better with her new life as a mom? If Mary were to leave, for any reason, the company would have to spend time and money looking for someone to take her place, train them, get them up to speed. During that time, the rest of the department would feel that pinch, people would be stressed. It's common sense. If I were a company owner and had someone who'd been working for me long-term, like Mary or myself, I'd make it so I could keep them around as long as possible. Yes, everyone is replaceable, pretty much, but when you look at the bigger picture, I'd rather keep an awesome employee and let her work 2 days a week from home, vs. losing her and having to start over from scratch. (I don't really know what she asked for, but that might be something I would ask for!)

When I look at my own job duties and what I know, I've been in my department the longest. I know a LOT of random stuff that you just can't teach someone. Besides, the owners don't know all of what I know! I'm valuable! I hope that when my time comes, if I happen to still be there, they will see my value and want to work with me. I do have the advantage of having one of the owners as head of my department--the wife of the couple who owns our company--and they have two kids. Maybe that will be my ace?

Ever feel like you'll never get a break?

I do.

On Facebook, I keep seeing women who are stay at home moms talking about how they are going on vacation and little trips--both with and without their families. So first, they get to stay home, which I know is not all fun and games--and that's not my point. It's the traveling and getting to do what they want!

Meanwhile, here I am, working my butt off every day. We have no children. Usually people in our shoes travel as much as they can. We haven't gone on vacation since September/October 2007. Yes, our honeymoon. We did go to Philadelphia for a long weekend for our 1st anniversary, even though Turtle was laid off. We were going to go to Cape Cod this summer since my aunt has a house there, but now he's laid off again.

What are we doing wrong? Oh wait, I know, my husband got laid off. One woman's husband has been laid off too, yet they've gone to Hawaii twice and in the winters were skiing in Vermont every weekend. (I'm pretty sure her parents retired to VT & they have other family in Hawaii, which of course takes care of lodging, so I will give her a pass, I think.)

I KNOW that there's more than meets the eye with most people. And I know it's Facebook, where things can be embellished. These people could be charging up the wazoo on credit cards or get hand-outs from Mom & Dad. But still, I feel like I work SO hard and have very little down time or anything enjoyable. Especially now that I'm the sole earner. All of the pressure is on me.

I'd like a break, please.

I haven't taken a "real" vacation day, even one to just sit around my house, in....I don't know how long. The last vacation day I had was for Easter (Good Friday). My other time off in 2011 was for my friend's wedding and Turtle's wisdom teeth surgery. Before that, my vacation time was used for my grandfather's funeral in October, my hand surgery in April (2010) and other days/hours for physical therapy. I only get 2 weeks of vacation and until this year, only 3 sick days. (We now get 4.) I can't even call out sick as a mental health day since there's too much work to be done and I have no back up. I come home, tired and cranky. I can't even make my home a refuge--doing fun things after work and on weekends--because there's stuff piling up since I'm too tired. It's a vicious cycle. You'd think we had 6 kids for how much laundry needs to be done and put away. The dishes...oy. And the cleaning? It's embarrassing and horrible, but there's a room that was never properly cleaned...and we've lived here for over 18 months now. (There is a newly constructed division of labor now that Turtle's home all day, which I will blog about soon, but the home is the woman's domain, no matter how sexist that sounds. I am better at it. It's true! Yet I can't even get myself together.)

Ahh, the life of leisure...to do what I want, when I want. Not necessarily idleness, just activities that have a personal purpose. Maybe in retirement? If I live that long.

Mixed emotions

Tomorrow is my interview, but I don't want to go. I don't know why. I've never been this apathetic about an interview--I don't get many opportunities. Is it because last time I got my hopes WAY too high? Is it because I'm scared that if I were to take a new job, it wouldn't be safe as where I am now?

I don't know.

I'm also a bit annoyed at the dress code changes that have been reinforced since the warm weather appeared. I believe a super strict dress code is equal to treating employees like children, especially when things that were acceptable a year ago are no longer considered as such. It's even more difficult when your income has been slashed in half. Although you try to look for things on sale, you still end up spending more money than you want. Especially with shoes. I don't know if shoes have changed, or if something is wrong with my feet, but I went to THREE shoe stores this weekend, all with a large variety, and had a difficult time finding something that 1) was appropriate per our dress code 2) that fit comfortably and 3) didn't cost too much. I ended up with 2 pairs of Born sandal/shoes (I don't know what you'd call them and I can't find a picture right now) but they were about $65 each. More than I wanted to spend but I was desperate since my only pair of summer shoes were now inappropriate.

Also regarding the shoes: sandals aren't OK unless they have a heel. Way to be discriminatory. What if you can't wear heels due to back or leg problems? I get no flip flops--I would never have worn them to work, but jeez, it's pretty bad when you say "no sandals" but "open-toed shoes are acceptable." They can be interchangeable sometimes. It's confusing. No wonder my coworker took pictures of her shoes and emailed them to HR, asking which were OK. That was gutsy of her, but I hope it proved a point. We're not in a warehouse or a dangerous environment.

(The dress code situation doesn't make me want to leave. I get that the company wants to show a more professional appearance to the outside world. I just wish it wasn't so drastic that almost everything I wore last summer is now taboo. Even knee-length shorts! But a girl could wear a skirt short enough to show off her...you know, and that would be okay. The men are also upset that last year they could wear neat, clean khaki-type shorts and a polo shirt, and now cannot.)

In other news, I got gas for $3.97 yesterday :) and had a pretty good day at work today. :)

Sometimes I wonder...

if I'm meant to be where I am, and whether I should just stop trying to change or move on from situations that I'm in. Maybe I'm "fighting" too much? Trying too hard? I don't want to sound defeatist, because I don't really feel that way. Instead, perhaps I should put my energies and focus towards something that can be changed.

If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about work. Although, the "trying too hard" could be applied to many situations. Anyone who knows me (or reads here) knows that my job makes me pretty miserable. I have had worse jobs, so I know this isn't the worst it could be.

To help myself not go absolutely crazy, I have been spending time looking for a new job. I updated my resume, I scan the online ads when I get a free minute and am not at work since they blocked the job sites (SMART!), I have signed up for the alerts of new postings--both in pursuit of finding something to apply for. I'm hopeful. But in the past few weeks, I've only found 3 or 4 jobs that 1) I could actually do and 2) seem interesting enough that I wouldn't be wasting anyone's time by applying. For a while, I was pretty gung-ho about applying. "I'm smart, I know a lot of things, I can do more/better," was what I told myself and others. People believed in me. I believed in me. While positivity and high self-esteem is good for job hunting, it can slow down when the opportunities are less plentiful. And then you feel like you'll never find anything.

When I'm at work, I complain about certain things that will probably never change, or get so angry with and frustrated by my idiot boss that I get a headache. I'm not joking--he's nice, but is a horrible manager, can't get anything done, he would be better off as the "boss" of his own stuff, and not have a department to manage. I really don't know why the owners of my company hired him.

I get mad at the owners for their inconsistencies, for making us pay SO much for health insurance, for not realizing that we are people. But do any of my wishes or questions or comments really change anything? Am I trying too hard in this regard? Maybe I would be better off to just stay still, be quiet, and do my job.

Am I meant to be here? Is there a lesson to be learned from this? I've been at my current job almost 5 years, and for the most part, have been unhappy most of this time. On and off, I've looked for a new job, but during this time, we had a devastating economic bust, including my own husband being laid off for a year and a half. He's facing another layoff. It's a long, complicated story, that might not end up in a layoff, but that's anyone's guess right now. We're both looking, but no bites as of yet.

I know, I'm lucky to have a job. And I'm not working in horrible conditions. I could be a migrant worker, who has to travel around to find work with no guarantees, or I could live in a country that has very few labor laws. But I don't want to be here.

I once had a job that I loved, but the pay was terrible. I hated leaving that place, although I'm sure that had I stayed, I wouldn't still be there. I am 100% positive that I would have been laid off eventually. And where did I go when I left there? To my current place. And it's like I can't get out.

I do feel trapped at times, and scared that I'll never find something that I love, that makes me happy and that is worth my time (pays well enough). I have been working since I was 13, first babysitting constantly, then when I was old enough to get a "real job," I did. Some summers while I was in college, I had multiple jobs. Am I worked out? I don't think so. It's not that I'm lazy, perhaps it's just that I haven't found the right fit. But, I've tried grad school three times. I have enough graduate level credits to get a master's...if only all of the credits were in the same field! And to switch fields or to try anything new is difficult if you don't have schooling or other training to make you look like a stronger candidate. "Where's your experience?" "How do you qualify for basket weaving, if you've spent the past 10 years making bottle caps?" That stuff.

Lately, our thoughts and discussions have drifted to "when we have kids." Of course, my health is still the primary barrier that's keeping us from starting a family. But there have been some financial factors as well. This might sound crazy, but sometimes I think that the reason I can't find a better job is because I'm not meant to be working for much longer ;-) Sometimes I feel like that thought is a cop out. Even though I would MUCH prefer to leave the "working world" and devote my time and energy to things closer to home. I always joke with people that what I love doing and what I'm good at are things that generally don't pay well.

Speaking of things I love and am good at, time to make dinner.

Being Squeezed

Before I begin, let me say this--yes, I know I'm lucky to have a job, one that helps take care of our needs, provides health insurance, etc. While I get mad and upset with work stuff a lot, I really try to remember what our lives were like from March 2008 until August 2009, when Turtle was laid off. Even so, sometimes, you need to get it all out.

I've alluded to me being upset about something, I believe it was last week. It's my job, which some of you may have guessed. I've been there just over 4.5 years, even though I knew it wasn't a place I wanted to work at forever. But life is funny like that and here I am, still. When I started, I was told that the work week was 40-45 hours. Fine. I rarely worked over 40 for the first few years, and over the last year or so I've worked a bit more, but never exceeding 42 hours in a week and never EVERY week. When I've had more work, I've put in more time, when I've had less work, I've left when my "clock" hit 40 hours.

Not anymore. Now we are required to put in AT LEAST 42.5 hours in a week. (Interestingly enough, this has only been verbally announced; nothing has been put in writing.) I am not happy about this. That is 2.5 hours from my personal time that has been added to my work time. And no added benefit, oh, the joys of being a salaried employee. I had a plan in motion--one for my health and sanity, and now I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from me. All because they want to squeeze more work out of the employees they have.

My plan WAS to get up earlier, work out, prep my meals ahead of time, to really focus on getting healthy. It's derailed now. Not completely--that's a little dramatic of me. I have to reexamine things yet again and figure out how to work around another missing 2.5 hours of my life. It's just annoying to me that our lives have to be so dictated by an outside force like this. Spring is almost here, the days are longer, soon there will be outside work to be done around the house. Now my work day is longer and I won't have as much free time to do things. I'm already tired at the end of the day, due to a lot of frustration and a lack of communication that has emerged with the hiring of my new boss. I have projects which are unfinished, including the half bath that I started a month ago. (Other things got in the way, not just work, but still.) The house is consistently either dirty or messy. I still don't feel fully set up and we've lived here well over a year now. I hate how I'm either at work or tired from being at work. This is not my calling. Also, it's not like I'm a doctor or a lawyer, or some well-paid business person, where I can afford to pay people to take care of things for me. My husband is NOT happy with this work change, but what can we do?

I have another plan in addition to my first one. It's called the "find a new job" plan, which is easier said than done. I was on a roll for a bit when my old boss left, but I need to pick that back up. I got a little off track after a crushing rejection. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, and being overlooked for promotions. Tired of "putting up" and "shutting up" because I HAVE to work. I have been afraid to speak out or speak up for fear that I would lose my job. I've never been trapped, but I guess that's what it would feel like. To feel as if you have NO options, no rights, no way out. I do have a way out...but this is one that I will have to work hard for and wait for. It might take awhile, but at least I'll feel better if I'm moving TOWARDS something positive--both personally (health stuff) and professionally (new job)--instead of sitting around, stewing in my own anger.

Because we all know what happens when you stew. You turn into one of these.



Not so attractive to employers! (Nor husbands!)

On being the baby maker...and the bread winner, part 1

A few weeks ago, Jessica at Faith Permeating Life wrote a post entitled On Adoption and Selfishness. As you can see in the comments, I had something to say, but I never got around to it and once I had an idea of what I wanted to say, I realized that it would be a very long comment and that I should probably be nice and just host it on my OWN blog :)

What I wanted to say correlates more towards the end of Jessica's post. Like her, I am the breadwinner, at least for right now, maybe forever? That certainly wasn't how we predicted things would be when we got married.

Turtle's goal has always been to work for the state, in the public sector of his field. After grad school, he worked in the private sector, hoping that he would get enough experience so that when state jobs were finally posted, he would be hired. Well, he's gone for a lot of state jobs, but never hired, so it's been a long haul in the very underpaid private sector. Ironically, most of the private sector places in his field are contracted BY the state to provide services to this population, but of course, they want the most bang for their buck. Also, Turtle's accident and injuries were a red herring of sorts (for many reasons) and we live in a small state, and people talk. Not to be totally paranoid or anything, but it wouldn't surprise us if there was some kind of black mark next to his name. Then he was laid off, which further derailed his career for 18 months, and he's not where he wants to be career-wise, salary-wise, etc. Not at all. If your husbands are like mine, you'll get where this is heading...he feels like he's not pulling his weight, he's not being the "provider," we won't have the household that we both grew up in (raised by SAHMs, dads working), his injuries closed the door to certain field because he could never pass the physical tests, etc. I tell him that this doesn't matter, I didn't marry him for his earning potential, it's the fields we are in, we assumed (perhaps wrongly) that he would be in a state job by now. The list goes on and on.

He considered going back to school while he was laid off, but he already has a masters and is significantly underpaid. He isn't sure what he wants to do even now, because so many fields are unpredictable. (But so is life, I know all too well.)

My salary is 20% more than Turtle's, even if he brings home 14% more than I do, every 2 weeks. I love stats and numbers, so yes, I did figure out all of this. Why does he bring home more? I carry the health insurance, which is 28% of my salary. Isn't that disgusting? Yes, my employer only contributes the first $200 for the employee--any other family members on the plan are paid for 100% by the employee. Fortunately, this comes out pre-tax, but it significantly lowers the amount I actually take home. If I told you my salary, it could sound impressive (but numbers are relative, really). But not at the end of the year, when the W-2 is only 70% of that number.

We do plan on switching to the health insurance provided by Turtle's company as soon as his open enrollment starts. Hopefully this will take some of the financial pressure off of us, and allow us to save some more money.

If something were to happen to me and I needed to go on leave, we'd still have to pay the cost for health insurance. I know that's common for everyone, usually. But to not be bringing in ANY income, then getting a "bill" from my employer for a large sum of money each month would be horrible. Actually even if we were on Turtle's insurance, and I had to go on leave, it wouldn't be ideal, as there would be a large amount of income missing each month, but at least we wouldn't be socked with a bill from my own employer. (By the way, if an employee does go on leave, they'd still pay that $200. How generous.) If Turtle had to go on leave and we were on insurance through his company, it'd be the same thing. We'd be down an income for a bit, and would have to pay in, but it wouldn't be as huge of a bill. Conclusion: either of us on leave would suck! LOL

My company does not offer short term disability and my insurance agent said that it is so costly to take out a private policy, she wouldn't even give me a quote! Turtle's does offer short term disability, but he never signed up for it. I think I will have him look into that when open enrollment comes around.

So this brings me to how I feel about eventually getting pregnant, especially since last I checked, men can't have babies yet. Granted, there are health issues that need to be resolved first, but the money thing does weigh heavy on my mind as well. We cannot afford for one of us to stay home, unless we had multiples, then we'd have to because day care would be too costly. And even then I think we'd have a freak out. Day care around here is roughly $1000/month for an infant. The way things are right now, in the frame of health insurance and take-home pay, there wouldn't be enough, especially if we had to stay on my company's health plan. A family plan is well over $1000/month. Talk about being anti-family!

Another conclusion: We'd have to save up a LOT of money while pregnant to cover the loss of income while I was out of work. At least that's a PLANNED leave of absence. I don't even want to think about the unexpected... Regardless, it's hard to save up months of salary unless you were doing it already OR one person always made much more than the other, so that all you had to do was tweak some spending. Right now, looking at our take home pay, we're about $125 different.

At least we know that if we switch to Turtle's health insurance, we'd be able to free up some of my salary to put away. (So if you couldn't tell, I cannot WAIT for open enrollment to weigh our options!!!) It's not fun knowing that only you can have the babies and you bring in more money than your husband and if something were to happen, it wouldn't be good. I am all for womens rights, especially when it comes to employment and salaries, but what "rights" do I have when I know that if something were to happen to me that impedes my health, it could be disastrous for my family and our finances? I know I'm not the only woman in this situation, too. People worry about families being destroyed by all sorts of things, but to me, this is serious. A lack of understanding employers, a lack of affordable health insurance, and a lack of maternity coverage is also detrimental to families of all types.

This is not to say that I am ignorant of financial difficulties in families where the male is the breadwinner, but at least the burdens I'm discussing in this post are shared, if you will :) Male breadwinners might worry a lot about taking care of their families and the what if's that come with life, but they do not have the issues that accompany pregnancy--both personally and in the workplace.

I'm not looking for equality here. Equality with whom? Some "ideal" super woman? My mom? My friends? My husband? Other men? This might sound contradictory to my thoughts on womens rights, but honestly, equality will never be possible. Equality is not possible ANYWHERE because we are all different--whether between coworkers, friends, neighbors, etc. We all have different backgrounds, experiences, etc. Even two siblings will say that mom likes the other better, even if that's not true and the mom bends over backwards to make sure that everything is fair and equal. Why, then, do we expect equality so much? I'm not saying that a man is less than me, just that he cannot do everything that I CAN do. :) And yes, I worded that sentence that way on purpose. :)

What we need is fairness and consideration. From society, from our employers and from each other.

I've always been anxious about money, I don't know why. Our accountant says it's because of the values with which I was raised. He should know: he knew my grandparents and knows my parents, and does the books for the family business.

Recently, I had a "moment" stemming from some unexpected bills for work done on both cars, which depleted half of our touchable savings. I'm fortunate that we did not have to charge the work, but still. Now we have to pare things down to rebuild that savings, plus some. That makes me think about the future. And how easy it is to fall down into credit card debt. Turtle also has to have his wisdom teeth out in a few weeks, which will be another large chunk of money.

These present expenses and future expenses have really made me take a long hard look at income, savings, money in general. I actually wondered if buying our house was a good idea, if we really looked at the future and what expenses would pop up in a few years with kids. What's so laughable is that even if we were to sell our house and move into a rental, we wouldn't be that much better off!!!! When we rented, a 2 BR was $1000/month. Our mortgage, taxes, interest & insurance is $1968/month. There's no telling that we'd be able to find another rental and still be able to pay for day care and an increase in health insurance.

Needless to say, I feel stuck at times. Part of it is true, even after the housing market crash, our economy still bears heavily on housing. And housing bears heavily on two incomes, for many families. I know I'm not completely stuck though, there are some choices. Right now, I can 1) pare down spending while ramping up saving and 2) look for a new job. Not only for better benefits and more money, but also because there are some other things going on at my workplace right now that sicken me and anger me. If I can improve those 2 things, then maybe I won't feel so stuck.

This post was very long, and might have seemed out of order or jumping around. I hope that whoever reads this might understand what exactly I'm trying to say. And if you don't understand, or just have a question, feel free to ask.

To be continued...

I am angry

And I don't know how to fix it or change it, short of a few magical things happening. I really dislike not having control over situations, or when a fix might take months or even a year. Additionally, it really angers me when one thing has a hold on so many others...it can make you feel totally helpless. I have vented to my husband, my friends, now here...I've meditated, prayed, tried to figure out a "plan," even tried not to think about it, but I'm still angry. The issue is bigger than me, so I can't solve it. I can only try to fix my part of it.

I'll write more later, when I actually have TIME to sit and write a real post. Another thing to add to my anger.

(To ease everyone's minds, I'm OK, it's work/economy related.)

Updates...

Wow, almost a month has gone by since my last post. I always post these types of things--I should post more, I've been so busy, etc. I love writing, so you'd think I'd be better at this? Oh, here we go, another beating up myself type of post!

The real story is that often times I'll think of a great topic, but when I have time to actually write it, the idea is gone, or the force behind why I was motivated to write said post is gone. It's sad. Or, I don't want to be on the computer at work. Or, I get home and I have things to do. Like endless shoveling. If you've been paying attention to the weather in the Northeast, we've been walloped with storm after storm. I haven't worked a full week in the office since before Christmas. If all things go well, this week will be the FIRST WEEK that I am in the office ALL FIVE DAYS! It's crazy. The best was the storm that dumped so much snow that it was over my knees...and I'm 5'7"!

Quickly here is what's been happening with me:

1. Job interview--while I liked them, they apparently decided to see other people. No second interview, no offer. Moving on...but I don't see much that interests me right now.

2. Work--I feel like they are not going to replace my boss. My coworker and I have been handling responsibilities for the department well, and I know my company really watches the budget carefully, so I would not be surprised if they decided to keep things at they are right now. I know there were a few "close" candidates, but obviously they didn't work out.

3. Turtle--he's enjoying his new schedule, although his workload has increased significantly due to a coworker leaving. He misses good weather and is in that strange quiet period between hunting and fishing seasons. He's planning our garden and is anxiously anticipating starting seeds in the basement.

4. Sewing class--I LOVE THIS! The instructor is brillant--so helpful and patient. I am in a class with two other ladies--one is probably 10-15 yrs older than me, married, no kids of her own (she mentioned a stepson), and the other is in her late 50s/early 60s, she had grandchildren and one of her daughters was 2 years ahead of me in college, but I didn't know her. You might think "small world" but a lot of people from this area go to my college, even though it's in another state. (It's Catholic and shares its name with the city it is located in, which is also the capital of the state. And yes, there are two possible answers, haha!) So no real friend opportunities, but they are nice people, which helps.

Everyone works at their own pace, on their own projects and she's very good about incorporating lessons into each step of our projects. For instance, the apron I am making has very simple instructions. To help me learn a bit more, and to make the apron look a bit more polished, she is giving me other steps to master. After I finish the apron, we're going to work on a quilt that I found. It's not finished, it's just the top--no batting, no bottom side. Just the quilt pieces in blocks, all stitched together. I found it in a trunk of my great-grandmother's--no one knows who made it or when. There is hand stitching and machine stitching, so that makes it even more interesting. My teacher thinks that someone made all of the blocks, and then later on they were put together. I need to post pictures of this process. It will be amazing! I'm also thinking of making curtains/shades for our bathrooms. I have an idea in mind--it will be similar to a Roman shade, but not really. I came up with the design on my own, and sketched out my plan...and tried to explain it to Turtle. I think it'll work; I'm excited to try it out.

5. Projects--besides sewing that is. Back in January, I dropped off a bunch of things at the local Goodwill. This one was an actual store, not just a drop off trailer, and I was curious about what was inside. I don't think I'd ever been in one, or if I had it had been years. I was also inspired by what Sarah at The Strength of Faith found at HER Goodwill.

I found a mirror too. I got it for $7, it's wood, very old, but in great shape. It needs to be stripped of its old varnish and then refinished. I think it will look great in our guest bedroom, which has my grandparents' beds (yes, they slept in twin beds!) and a pair of dressers from the same era which my mom bought at an estate auction for $10 total, then refinished. She intended to keep the dressers (and the beds) at my parents' house, in my old bedroom, but she changed her mind and gave all of the furniture to me for my house. I also need to take pictures of these things!

I'm working on picking paint colors...it's a process! I've taped up the little cards that I've stolen picked up from Home Depot and it has helped...a bit. I'm down to 4 colors for the kitchen--all lovely neutral beiges! I have a color for the half bath (a tan color, almost caramel?) and am now working on the master bathroom (probably a grey). What's throwing me off is the tile in the bathrooms, since they have patterns and it's hard to discern one color from them--pictures to come. In the kitchen, it's the countertop--it's mostly a greyish green, but there are flecks of brown and white and maybe beige? I'd really like to start painting. I think I'll do the half bath first, but there needs to be some demo work, including covering where the roof leaked with Kilz and ripping down the horrid wallpaper border!

There's always something to be done...if only I had more time! Which is a common refrain, or so I hear ;-)

It's funny how things work...

I have an interview today. I was contacted yesterday. (Thank God for sick days and the ability to leave messages for your bosses before they are even at their desks...I hate lying, but I have to take care of me.)

Things have moved FAST. I applied for the job just before Christmas and heard back the next day that my application materials would be forwarded on to the hiring manager, which is extremely rare for this place. Then the "company" was closed for a holiday break, so I had to wait to see if I would be contacted. I wasn't holding my breath; this place is notorious for dragging out the hiring process. How do I know? I worked for them before, just in another department. Yes, if I am offered the job and accept, I would be going back to the place I worked at years ago. But this job is a MUCH better fit for me, at least from what it looks like on paper.

Yesterday was the second day that the staff was back from break, and what pops up in my Gmail inbox? An email which included this: "Could you come tomorrow at 1 PM? It's the last spot we have available." I actually thought about it...instead of replying RIGHT BACK with a "YES!! YES PLEASE!!!!" Should I say no? Should I see if I can get another appointment?

No, it was time to say yes and take a chance. Do it. Do it for yourself--you know you've been miserable and unappreciated. Do it for Turtle, who knows you can do so much better. Do it for your future family, in whatever shape and form they come in, because this job pays more, is closer to home and the benefits--oh! I don't want to get ahead of myself...

I used to regret leaving the old job at this same place because of the "perks." All of that vacation time, holiday break, great benefits...but I was unhappy with the workload. I tried to transfer, unsuccessfully, to another department that would be a better fit. What I realized a few months ago is that I would have never gotten where I am today if I hadn't left and tried something else. In regards to this place, people say "No one ever leaves THERE." But had I stayed, I would have been pigeon-holed and probably more miserable than I am now.

I'm just so thankful that I'm getting the chance to interview. When I left this place, about 5 years ago, I thought that I could never go back, that I probably had some black mark on my record. (I left on my own will and on my terms, but there were a few instances where I wasn't a good worker, but never formally documented. Just a bored young girl, fresh out of college who didn't get how the real world worked.) Someone sees something interesting about my resume and wants to know more about me. That's pretty cool, no matter WHAT the end result is. I could end up with an offer and say no. They could go with someone else.

I do have other applications out there, but this is the first I've heard back from any of them. I don't want to be the person who jumps at the first offer, but...again, I'm getting ahead of myself. A few months ago, I started praying for a vocation, in the vein of "if I have to be a working mom, please let me find a job that will allow for me to best take care of my family, as the one I'm currently at does/will not. Just show me the way, a path to that." I'm not saying that this is the path, not yet, but we'll see.

With this awesome development comes a bit of sadness. Turtle still feels like his career is stunted, and it probably is...but it's not his fault. His accident, recuperation time, then a layoff really did put him back and did close the door to a few more physical careers. He feels as if he's less of a man, because he can't "provide" in the way that he wants to, and that I'll really be the breadwinner if I was to get this job (or any new job). I tell him it's ridiculous, that we're in this together, but it's hard to help someone see something when they are upset. It didn't help that a girl at his work gave her notice yesterday after getting a job at a place where he'd like to work, and she has much less direct experience than he does. It was experiences from a past job/career that helped her gain an advantage over other candidates. I don't think he would have applied for that job in the first place, it was more of an admin position, where he's more direct service/management, but I think it was just 2 pieces of job-related news in one day. He knows he's lucky to have a job, but it's not where he wants to be. I just keep praying that he'll be comfortable in his current spot and that something more along the lines of what he wants to do will open up. Because it's hard to have something go right for one partner and not the other.

My worst fears (at work) came true

My boss gave her notice this morning.

I cried on and off all day since the meeting. I couldn't help it. I really liked her. Not only was she an awesome boss, she was one of the nicest people I've ever met. I never had a boss like this...someone who actually cared, listened, tried to help her "people." She's been an actual friend.

I'm absolutely devastated. This is the closest thing I've had to as a mentor. And she'll be gone 12/31.

I know we'll keep in touch, but you know how that works out after awhile. We had a 1:1 later on this afternoon, and she gave me some really good compliments on my work, work ethic, etc. She also told me that it's time for me to go, and take that plunge to find something that will make me happier. She also told me that she'd be happy to be a reference, write recommendations, etc. etc.

I've gotta admit, I am jealous that she's leaving after only 1.25 yrs, and I'm STILL there (going on 4.5 yrs)...and any efforts of me trying to leave haven't been successful (or I just haven't tried hard enough, I guess). She really helped to boost my confidence about working there, because she actually CARED about what I did.

Of course, I'm scared about what will happen now that she's leaving...until I can get out of there. They'll be hiring a new marketing manager, but until then, it's a messy mix between the wife-owner (my company is owned by a married couple--and she is CRAZY and just horrible) and the IT MANAGER, which makes VERY little sense.

I've never written about work before, but today I had to. I know I need to get out of there, the place is just TOXIC, but where, doing what, etc?

This is when I want to give up and be a housewife...but I can't.

PS. I know I have some comments that need replying. I'll get to them soon, I promise. Tonight I'm just sad...going to go scrub a toilet to put my energy into something constructive.