Sometimes I wonder...

if I'm meant to be where I am, and whether I should just stop trying to change or move on from situations that I'm in. Maybe I'm "fighting" too much? Trying too hard? I don't want to sound defeatist, because I don't really feel that way. Instead, perhaps I should put my energies and focus towards something that can be changed.

If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about work. Although, the "trying too hard" could be applied to many situations. Anyone who knows me (or reads here) knows that my job makes me pretty miserable. I have had worse jobs, so I know this isn't the worst it could be.

To help myself not go absolutely crazy, I have been spending time looking for a new job. I updated my resume, I scan the online ads when I get a free minute and am not at work since they blocked the job sites (SMART!), I have signed up for the alerts of new postings--both in pursuit of finding something to apply for. I'm hopeful. But in the past few weeks, I've only found 3 or 4 jobs that 1) I could actually do and 2) seem interesting enough that I wouldn't be wasting anyone's time by applying. For a while, I was pretty gung-ho about applying. "I'm smart, I know a lot of things, I can do more/better," was what I told myself and others. People believed in me. I believed in me. While positivity and high self-esteem is good for job hunting, it can slow down when the opportunities are less plentiful. And then you feel like you'll never find anything.

When I'm at work, I complain about certain things that will probably never change, or get so angry with and frustrated by my idiot boss that I get a headache. I'm not joking--he's nice, but is a horrible manager, can't get anything done, he would be better off as the "boss" of his own stuff, and not have a department to manage. I really don't know why the owners of my company hired him.

I get mad at the owners for their inconsistencies, for making us pay SO much for health insurance, for not realizing that we are people. But do any of my wishes or questions or comments really change anything? Am I trying too hard in this regard? Maybe I would be better off to just stay still, be quiet, and do my job.

Am I meant to be here? Is there a lesson to be learned from this? I've been at my current job almost 5 years, and for the most part, have been unhappy most of this time. On and off, I've looked for a new job, but during this time, we had a devastating economic bust, including my own husband being laid off for a year and a half. He's facing another layoff. It's a long, complicated story, that might not end up in a layoff, but that's anyone's guess right now. We're both looking, but no bites as of yet.

I know, I'm lucky to have a job. And I'm not working in horrible conditions. I could be a migrant worker, who has to travel around to find work with no guarantees, or I could live in a country that has very few labor laws. But I don't want to be here.

I once had a job that I loved, but the pay was terrible. I hated leaving that place, although I'm sure that had I stayed, I wouldn't still be there. I am 100% positive that I would have been laid off eventually. And where did I go when I left there? To my current place. And it's like I can't get out.

I do feel trapped at times, and scared that I'll never find something that I love, that makes me happy and that is worth my time (pays well enough). I have been working since I was 13, first babysitting constantly, then when I was old enough to get a "real job," I did. Some summers while I was in college, I had multiple jobs. Am I worked out? I don't think so. It's not that I'm lazy, perhaps it's just that I haven't found the right fit. But, I've tried grad school three times. I have enough graduate level credits to get a master's...if only all of the credits were in the same field! And to switch fields or to try anything new is difficult if you don't have schooling or other training to make you look like a stronger candidate. "Where's your experience?" "How do you qualify for basket weaving, if you've spent the past 10 years making bottle caps?" That stuff.

Lately, our thoughts and discussions have drifted to "when we have kids." Of course, my health is still the primary barrier that's keeping us from starting a family. But there have been some financial factors as well. This might sound crazy, but sometimes I think that the reason I can't find a better job is because I'm not meant to be working for much longer ;-) Sometimes I feel like that thought is a cop out. Even though I would MUCH prefer to leave the "working world" and devote my time and energy to things closer to home. I always joke with people that what I love doing and what I'm good at are things that generally don't pay well.

Speaking of things I love and am good at, time to make dinner.