But not a one at this house...not yet.
I've heard of the phenomenon: you start thinking more and more about starting a family, and suddenly EVERYONE is pregnant! Or at least it feels that way. Of the blogs I follow, three ladies are pregnant. No, FOUR! And I don't follow that many. At work, we have one girl (she's my age, can I still call her girl?) who is on maternity leave and we've got two more moms to be in early 2012, as well as a guy whose wife is due any day now. On a message board I frequent, we have two little boys and one little girl born in 2011 and a few of the girls are thinking about TTC very soon.
And church, I guess we can say we are having a baby boom? TWO ladies are expecting--1 with number 7, the other with number 4. Another woman had her second a few months ago. This is unheard of, given we are a very small parish with not many young people, even if two of these ladies are part time parishioners since they come from a distance.
I can't say I have the fever, but I am thinking about it more. If you can't tell, this is the hardest thing for me, and C too, to just "let go and let God." I hate that, because with every other issue we've dealt with, it's been so easy (or, at least easIER) to give it over. Why is this so difficult? Is it because it's the most serious? Yes, marriage is serious and we believe it's forever, BUT one could get out of it if one really wanted to. Same with a job. I can quit or I can be laid off or get fired. I have no control over what my boss or the owners do to me. I can sell my house, the cars, anything, if I didn't want it any more.
Kids are yours until you die. (OK fine, you could give them up for adoption, but I'm not going there.) They cost money, true, but I think we will be able to manage if the health insurance doesn't kill us first, ha. Parenting isn't just about the material goods or taking a sick child to the doctor. They are important, but so are things like being a good example, being selfless, not being bogged down with other issues that distract you...being present in your childs' lives in a healthy way is vital to raising productive adults. To me, being a good parent is harder than making sure the material needs are met. It's scary to know that you are responsible for molding that little mind and soul. What if I'm a bad parent? What if I can't do it? What if my own issues pop up and are serious enough that they get in the way? Am I mature enough to handle this enormous task? These are serious questions, and they've scared me off from taking the next step, but they aren't the only issues at hand.
I feel horribly guilty for some of the things that I've written above, because, as Catholics, we must be open to life at all times. Who is really open at all times? We don't truly know, and honestly, I believe that is between a couple and God. Me writing what I have here could come
off as controversial, especially since I've just said that this has been the hardest thing for us. Me worrying about being a good parent is fairly rational fear, since last I checked, no one knows how to do it, and kids don't come with manuals; you just learn as you go. If I worry about money, is that a good enough reason not to start a family? If C doesn't have a secure job (or ANY job, as we have experienced twice now), is it prudent to wait? Some might tell me that we are wrong, and we just need to let it all go. Some might say that we are right, that only God knows what is going on in our hearts and minds. If my doctor tells me it is not a good idea to get pregnant just yet because of my health and that of a fetus developing, am I smart to listen to her, or silly for taking medical advice, because God knows MORE than my doctor? But didn't God give my doctor intelligence and knowledge? I know that people say things like babies come with blessings or a loaf of bread or something like that, but for me, it's hard to trust in something when an innocent life is involved. Like there not being enough money or one of us losing our jobs. Maybe that's only because we have experienced those things?
Is that funny? Weird? Crazy? That I care about my not even conceived children enough to want them to be born under the best circumstances possible? It's a little bit of all three, since nothing is perfect and any sort of control is really an illusion. It doesn't help that I've
battled anxiety for over 10 years, mostly regarding things out of my control. I guess I'm my own worst enemy.
So, what's it going to take? First things first. Me. How can I be really open to life if I'm not healthy enough to ensure a healthy (or even a live) baby? I don't have any diagnoses of what WILL happen or what WON'T happen, but it's not wise right now to even just see what happens. Let me spell it out: I need to lose about 100 pounds. Yes, that's a lot, and thankfully I have a large build so I carry it well, but that's not enough when the insides are affected more than we can see.
When I get closer to goal weight, hopefully signs of fertility will return, because that will make things much easier when discussing any issues with doctors. Right now, I got nuthin'. And, I can stop taking the many meds I'm currently on: not only because they aren't fetus-friendly, but if I'm thinner, certain health conditions should resolve themselves. Like high blood pressure.
I'm giving myself about a year to get my weight in check, then I'll have about 3-6 months of reducing or changing meds, getting an idea of what my cycles are like, a time where I'm not avoiding, but not actively seeking a conception either. Just letting my body do its thing. I'll be 33 in less than 18 months and time is ticking.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who got married right out of college and pregnant on my honeymoon, because now I'd have a 7 or 8 year old and we wouldn't have gotten used to two incomes and be worried about if time is running out and all that. I'm sure there are women like I've just described who would have liked to been single for a few years, then get married, then have kids bit later, to get to work out of the house and do something different. The grass IS always greener. You know what's funny? It's only within the past few years have I really figured out who I am and what I want and that's not easy the older you are and the more responsibilities you have. Maybe if I didn't have all the life experiences I've had (and they are probably tame!), I wouldn't have figured myself out. That doesn't help with the biological clock though....
I'll get there though. I always do, even if it's not on everyone else's timeline.