Dear Alma Mater

I know you're calling me for a donation. You do it every year. I have Caller ID, so I can see the number. I can also see "Clown College" on the screen. I know it's you. Besides, I'll never forget that phone numbers there begin with the area code, then the same 3 digits. I think I still know some of my dorm phone numbers.

I don't mind giving to the college every year. In fact, I enjoy giving my measly $50. But I don't like talking on the phone. Especially to the student workers. I'm an old lady to them, even though it hasn't been ten years since graduation.

Oh wait, it is in 2012. Carry on.

I also don't like giving out my credit card information over the phone to the college. I know, it's probably safe and I know that I could flag any charges that I didn't make. I'd much rather get a card in the mail, fill it out, and send it back. It's just me.

Tonight, I got this email from you:

Dear Mrs. Turtle,

A Clown College student tried to contact you recently as part of our annual Phone-A-Mascot program. Each year we look forward to updating alumni, parents, and friends about on-campus news and events, hearing their CC memories, and inviting them to commemorate their CC experiences through continued involvement. Because you are an important part of the Clown College community, we do not want you to miss out on the communications from the College that highlight the dynamic changes taking place.

If your contact information has changed recently, please reply to this e-mail or visit our Online Community to update your information.

We appreciate the opportunity to speak with you and hear your stories. So, when you see xxx–xxx–1172 on your caller ID, please pick up the phone. Thank you, in advance, for allowing us to stay in touch with you.

Sincerely,
The CC Phone-A-Mascot Student Callers


Ouch. Was the BOLD really necessary? I listened to your rules for 4 years. I never got caught with booze or boys where they weren't allowed. I completed my core courses, including the two year seminar that our school is "infamous" for, along with its "scream." I can sing our fight song AND our school song. I know the play on words for our school's name, not only does it share the name with the city, it also is something from God.

I don't need you telling me when to pick up my phone. Send the card. You'll get your $50.

XOXO and see you at the reunion. Maybe.
Rabbit, Class of 2002


PS. This is mostly meant as tongue-in-cheek. The internet is in great need of a sarcasm font.